


Hell in a Handbasket

by whitchry9



Series: no more vacations, like, ever [8]
Category: Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV), Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blind Character, Canon Disabled Character, Deaf Character, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Road Trips, Some feels, Vacation, apologies to the entirety of america, light feels, whoever thought this was a good idea was mistaken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-28 03:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5075527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitchry9/pseuds/whitchry9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow, Steve ropes in most of his teammates into going on a road trip across America with him. Six various superheroes in a van does not make for an enjoyable trip, especially considering their past misadventures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Days Before

**Author's Note:**

> This is the work for my Marvel Big Bang, and is also the final work in the vacations series (for now).  
> [Check out the amazing art I got from paleogymnast!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5166902)  
> Enjoy!

**6 days before**

 

Steve announces they will be taking a road trip. Together. All of them.

Natasha immediately refuses.

Steve tells her she doesn't have a choice, because Coulson mandated they have team bonding time.

Tony interjects that it's not technically mandatory, because Thor won't be going, but Matt will be in his place.

 

Natasha glares at him for a solid minute before Steve adds that she will get input on destinations along the way.

Natasha nods.

Tony can't believe it was that easy, and is sure she has something else up her sleeve.

(He's right, but Natasha doesn't tell him that.)

 

Clint cries and mumbles something about how Fury promised him.

 

 

**5 days before**

 

Steve puts up a large piece of sheet paper in the communal kitchen for people to write destination suggestions, keeping in mind they plan to go along Route 66 for most of the trip, before ending up at Tony's Malibu home.

 

By the end of the day, the paper is covered in a number of scribbles, each person having written in a different colour.

 

Steve holds a meeting that night to remind everyone which people will actually be going, where they will be going, and that it will _not_ be to Disney World.

 

When it's over, he decides that he will plan the destinations on his own, unless anyone decides to be actually helpful.

 

 

**4 days before**

 

Natasha reminds Steve of his promise to let her help, and he agrees.

Natasha and Steve work on their itinerary, and plan which cities they will be going to.

 

 

**3 days before**

 

The itinerary is done, and Natasha passes the list off to Tony to book hotels in each of the cities.

Tony promptly forgets to do so.

 

 

**2 days before**

 

Steve posts a final packing suggestion list, complete with swimsuits, as they will be going somewhere that they will need them.

 

 

**1 day before**

 

Steve reminds everyone that they will be leaving promptly at 10:30 am the next day, so everyone should have their things packed and ready to go in the morning.

 

Everyone besides him and Natasha start packing.

 

Clint wonders if anyone has told Matt, since he will be coming, and hasn't been to the Tower for a couple of days. And also can't read the posted signs.

(Tony protests that he was able to read the chart paper and write on it. Clint admits he still doesn't know how he did that, but thinks Jarvis might have been involved.)

Steve calls Matt to tell him.

 


	2. Day 1

10:05am

Departure is announced to be taking place in half an hour for the great Avengers road trip. No one besides Tony thinks that they will actually depart at this time.

 

10:08am

Departure is delayed when they realize the luggage will never fit in the back of the van. Natasha offers to stay home. Clint tells her she's not allowed to stay home. She maintains that she will be bringing both of her bags then. Clint doesn't have a response to that.

 

10:10am

Matt makes a new rule that everyone except Natasha is limited to a single bag, of certain dimensions. Clint begins repacking his suitcase in the garage, clothing spilling all over the floor.

 

10:13am

Tony disappears, possibly to invent a bag that is bigger on the inside. Clint's clothing still remains scattered on the floor. He seems to be looking for something.

 

10:36am

Departure is delayed when Tony doesn't return. Clint has almost finished repacking his bag. A pile of clothing lays discarded on the ground. Bruce hopes nothing important is in that pile, like all of his clean underwear or his left socks. (Bruce isn't sure if Clint has left socks, or if he just has socks. He then wonders if Clint ever wears matching socks. He decides probably not. He doesn't worry about the socks. He still worries about the underwear, but reminds himself that Clint is an adult.)

 

10:38am

Bruce then remembers that Clint is an adult by definition only, not in practice.

They'll probably stop somewhere on the way for shopping, so even if Clint forgot underwear, it should be okay.

 

10:44am

Tony is still gone.

 

10:54am

Bruce retrieves Tony from his workshop. He hasn't invented the bag yet. He seems disgruntled that he doesn't get the chance to. Bruce reminds him that they were supposed to leave nearly an hour ago. Tony is soon distracted with the challenge of fitting all the luggage in the back of the van.

 

11:01am

Tony is muttering to himself about the physics of the bag he would have invented. It's interspersed with swearing about the amount of luggage he has to fit in.

Steve doesn't comment.

 

11:16am

Everyone's bag are packed in the van, with the exception of Natasha's purse, which she practically dares anyone to touch. They assume she will be keeping it with her.

They are correct.

 

11:17am

Tony settles into the driver's seat, and a fight breaks out over who gets shotgun. The only one not involved is Natasha, who has crawled all the way to the back and is sprawled over her seat and the other half of the bench. No one wants to sit next to her and make her move.

 

11:32am

Seating positions are decided. Steve will be in the back with Natasha, Clint and Matt will be in the middle, and Bruce will be up front with Tony to help navigate.

 

11:47am

Departure is delayed again when they realize Steve is not in the backseat like he's supposed to be.

 

11:52am

Matt locates Steve in the main kitchen, talking to Bucky again, who reassures him that he'll be absolutely fine without him for a week. Sam also agrees. Thor hugs both of them close and confirms he'll watch out for him.

Matt drags Steve out by his shirt.

 

12:09pm

Everyone is finally seated in the van

Just over two hours after they were supposed to leave, they finally depart. Natasha texts Coulson, telling him she won the bet.

 

2:17pm

It's mostly quiet for a while, until Tony grows tired of simply driving. Bruce is reading a book, since Tony seems to be able to navigate on his own. Natasha and Steve are playing a game against each other on a tablet. Matt and Clint are both reading. Clint is reading comics, and no one can tell what Matt is reading because it's in braille.

Tony announces he wants to play some sort of game to pass the time. Everyone ignores him.

 

2:24pm

Tony keeps insisting on a game.

Everyone still ignores him.

 

2:35pm

Tony claims to have invented a game. He calls it 'yellow car'.

“Already invented,” Natasha tells him without looking up. She's beating Steve badly.

Matt asks how to play.

“Well, you're driving along,” Tony tells him.

“Like we're doing now?” Matt asks.

“Yep. And when you see a yellow car, you say 'yellow car'.”

Matt looks thoughtful. It's at this point Tony realizes his mistake.

“Oh,” he says. “Ohhhhhh,” he groans. “I'm sorry.”

“Yellow car,” Matt replies.

There's no yellow car anywhere.

“Am I winning?” he asks.

“Of course you are,” Tony tells him.

 

Tony shuts up for a while after that, and Matt looks very pleased with himself.

 

3:34pm

When Tony pulls into a rest station for a bathroom break, Steve takes the wheel. He's tired of listening to Tony. He figures maybe Tony will have better luck entertaining himself in the back seat.

 

3:42pm

Steve starts to think that maybe he should have let Tony drive.

 

3:45pm

With Steve driving, the seating positions have shifted. Natasha and Steve are in front, Tony and Bruce are in the back, and Matt and Clint are still in the middle.

Bruce is trying to read on his tablet, but Tony keeps bothering him. Clint and Matt are both still reading.

Now that Steve is driving, Natasha has switched games to play on her own. Steve has no doubt that even if he was playing, he would still be losing.

 

3:58pm

Matt has thrown a braille book at Tony and told him to teach himself braille.

“Without knowing what any of the letters are?” he asks.

Matt grins. “Think of it as a codebreaking challenge.”

Tony looks delighted at the thought.

 

4:15pm

Tony has cracked the braille code. Reading it fluently is still eluding him. Matt points out it took him a long time to learn, and he was only nine at the time.

Bruce chimes in with a fact about the neuroplasticity of young brains versus old ones, like Tony. Tony looks insulted at having his brain called old.

 

4:39pm

Tony has declared the book boring.

 

5:22pm

They arrive at their dinner location, Ruby Tuesday, because Tony was complaining about being hungry, as was Clint.

 

5:39pm

During dinner, Tony remembers that he should book rooms at the hotel they'll be arriving at in only a few hours. He does it discretely on his phone, but only manages to book four rooms. He figures sharing will be fine.

 

6:29pm

After the meal, Steve claims he is tired of driving. Bruce offers to drive. Tony protests. He wants to drive. Steve says that everyone will get a turn.

Matt clears his throat and Steve blushes. He's very glad that Matt can't see his face right now.

Steve reiterates that Tony will get his turn.

 

6:30pm

Tony says that if he isn't driving, he wants shotgun. He and Natasha stare at each other for a full thirty seconds without blinking.

She agrees, but only if she gets to sit in the back with Clint.

There are no objections.

 

6:32pm

Everyone is seated in the van again. Bruce is driving. Tony has claimed shotgun, as well as radio privileges. Steve thinks this could end badly.

They set off for Pittsburgh.

 

6:34pm

Tony thinks Bruce drives too slowly. Clint agrees.

Steve says Bruce can drive how he wants as long as it's safe. He secretly thinks Bruce could go a little faster, if only so he has to spend less time in the van with them.

Next to him, Matt makes a slight humming noise that likely no one else could hear. Steve blushes again. His hearing just wasn't fair. At least he didn't share with everyone else that Steve was lying.

 

6:39pm

Steve is still wondering how often Matt keeps secrets.

A lot, probably.

 

6:46pm

Tony has gone through all the available radio channels and claims they're all terrible. He wants Clint to pass him the suitcase that contains his stuff so he can build something.

Steve refuses.

 

6:49pm

Tony is still sulking. The radio is on a country channel.

 

6:52pm

Steve is reconsidering. The country music is still playing.

 

6:59pm

Tony is now happily tinkering with the contents of his suitcase. Steve doesn't ask why Tony brought a soldering iron instead of clothes.

He just hopes that Tony brought _some_ clothes, otherwise this could go very bad, very quickly.

 

7:07pm

Tony has finished whatever he was making, and they are now listening to a stream of Tony's own music from Jarvis, who Tony has somehow patched into the very old van.

Steve isn't sure he wants to know how, but he recognizes that it's better than the country.

 

7:13pm

Natasha and Clint are having a heated conversation in sign in the backseat. Steve doesn't know enough to translate, but he's pretty sure that Natasha is insulting Clint and blaming him for the road trip.

She's probably right.

 

7:28pm

Clint asks again why Thor didn't have to come.

Matt asks him if he really wanted to have three to the back bench.

Clint admits he doesn't.

 

7:31pm

Everyone is thinking who would fit best on the back bench if three people had to fit. No one chooses Thor.

 

7:42pm

Tony asks if they're there yet.

Bruce tells him to use the GPS on his phone and figure it out himself.

Matt is highly amused.

 

7:53pm

They arrive at the hotel that Tony booked. No one else knew what to expect.

Despite not having any expectations, they are all surprised.

 

7:55pm

Even more surprising is that fact that Tony only booked four rooms.

 

7:56pm

Natasha immediately claims one of the rooms, and no one argues with her.

There are now three rooms left for Steve, Bruce, Tony, Clint, and Matt to fight over.

 

7:58pm

Bruce reminds everyone of his tendency to turn into a green rage monster when he is angered. He points out that perhaps he should have his own room as well.

Clint looks like he wants to protest, but thinks better of it.

There are now two rooms left for Steve, Tony, Clint, and Matt.

 

8:01pm

It is concluded that Steve is least likely to kill Tony. As they promised Coulson they would all return alive, this is deemed the best bet.

 

8:02pm

Steve hopes that Tony booked enough rooms at the remaining hotels.

Tony thinks he should probably book rooms at the remaining hotels.

 

8:05pm

What Tony didn't realize, booking the rooms on his phone, was that each room only had one bed. Clint and Matt are very unhappy about this, as is Steve.

 

8:07pm

Tony offers to take the floor, or the bathtub, or anything else really that will prevent him from having to sleep in the same bed as an angry super soldier.

Steve agrees, and tells Matt and Clint that if they need someone to break up a fight, he'll be right next door. He also warns them not to start a fight, and that if they should be mad at anyone, it should be Tony.

 

8:19pm

Everyone is sorted into their rooms. Tony has pulled out his laptop and is muttering about the state of the hotel's wifi.

Steve suggests that maybe Bruce will be able to help him speed it up, and Tony disappears to Bruce's room.

 

8:23pm

Steve has collapsed on the bed, relishing the quiet.

 

8:25pm

Next door, Clint and Matt are fighting.

Steve will go break it up if it lasts more than five minutes.

 

8:31pm

Steve has broken up the fight.

Matt announces that Tony has successfully downloaded the new episode of Dog Cops down the hall.

 

8:47pm

Everyone, including Steve, is watching Dog Cops in Bruce's room. They're all mashed together on the bed, and Bruce looks very uncomfortable about it.

Clint keeps whispering to Matt about what's happening on the screen.

 

8:52pm

Tony has acquired the episode of Dog Cops with described video, and they have started the episode over for Matt's sake.

 

9:47pm

Two episodes of Dog Cops later and everyone is getting uncomfortable being pressed together on the bed. They dissipate to their own rooms, mostly. Tony goes back to Natasha's room.

Steve is pleased with the quiet in his and Tony's room, and hopes that everyone else is getting along.

 

10:02pm

Clint has ordered a pizza.

 

10:24pm

Clint's pizza has arrived, and Matt is thankful it's only pepperoni. He steals a slice and grins at Clint from his blanket nest in the corner. Clint won the bed, but Matt won most of the blankets.

 

11:02pm

Down the hall, Natasha and Tony are playing a violent game of hangman. They're neck and neck.

 

11:38pm

Steve reminds everyone that they have to be up early the next day, so they should probably go to bed soon.

 

11:58pm

Matt remembers that Clint snores, and realizes he should have gone with Tony. Or stayed home.

 

11:59pm

Everyone is tucked in bed. No one is asleep yet.

 

12:07am

Matt is listening to the conversation that Tony is attempting to have with Steve, who wants no part of it. He relays the more interesting parts to Clint, who doesn't actually hear any of it, since he took his hearing aids out, and is already asleep.

 

12:14am

Natasha is asleep.

 

12:43am

Bruce, Matt, and Steve are all asleep.

Tony is still playing on his tablet and trying to talk to Steve, who he doesn't realize is asleep.

 

2:04am

Tony finally falls asleep.

 


	3. Day 2

8:16am

Steve has woken everyone up, and is checking over the itinerary. He may be blushing a bit, and Matt can hear his heartrate pick up. He suspects a mistake has been made somewhere.

 

8:24am

Steve admits they don't actually have to leave early, and that he confused it with the next day, when they would have to get up early. He doesn't add that he's been awake since 6am, and that he's gone on a jog around the city already.

Clint and Natasha scoff at him and go back to bed. Tony hasn't actually gotten up yet, so he isn't a worry. Bruce is meditating, and is fine with being awake. Matt asks Steve if he'd like to get breakfast.

 

8:39am

The buffet breakfast offered at the hotel isn't terrible, and Steve makes himself a full meal, complete with bacon and eggs, while Matt toasts a bagel.

They chat about Matt's law practice while they eat, and Matt nurses a cup of tea.

 

9:14am

Steve realizes he should wake everyone up again if he wants to leave at 10.

 

9:16am

Clint is no more pleasant this time around.

 

9:18am

Bruce is ready to go. Steve loves him for it. Natasha claims she can be ready to go in five minutes. Steve starts the timer.

 

9:20am

Tony is still not awake. Steve is debating flipping the mattress over, because of course Tony ended up in the bed, even after he started out the night on the floor.

 

9:21am

Tony is once again on the floor, and reluctantly awake.

 

9:23am

Natasha is ready to go. Steve is impressed. He sends her to wake up Clint and get him moving, since Steve has Tony duty.

 

9:35am

Steve wonders how this is his life while reminding Tony how to brush his teeth. He's muttering something that sounds a lot like 'coffee'.

Steve tells him he can sleep in the car.

 

9:47am

Tony is dressed and ready to go, and his suitcase is even packed.

Steve drags him back out to the lobby, where Matt is still drinking a cup of tea and looking relaxed. He puts Matt on Tony duty and goes to check on Natasha and Clint.

 

9:54am

Steve finds them already in the van, Clint asleep in the very back.

Natasha shrugs. “This was the easiest way.”

Steve shrugs as well and throws his luggage in.

 

9:59am

Everyone is in the van except for Steve, who is rearranging luggage to fit. He's not sure how they acquired more luggage overnight, but it definitely happened.

 

10:02am

Bruce takes the wheel. Steve is relieved to have someone else competent driving.

 

10:14am

Clint, Natasha, and Tony are all dozing. Matt is listening to something. Bruce and Steve are both in the front, enjoying the quiet.

 

10:23am

Natasha announces she needs to use the washroom. Bruce says he'll pull over at the next rest station. Steve wonders why she didn't go before they left the hotel, but doesn't ask.

 

10:32am

Bruce pulls over at a rest station and everyone except Clint piles out, on Steve's orders. He doesn't want Bruce to have to stop again in a few minutes just because someone slept through the first rest stop.

“Clint,” Steve says loudly. He doesn't respond.

Natasha jabs him in the ribs, which elicits a high pitched scream. He looks very confused about what's happening.

 

10:38am

Clint has apparently not put his hearing aids in.

Natasha claims he does have them, but that they are buried in his suitcase, which ended up on the bottom of the pile. Considering it took Steve a good five minutes to get everything organized so it would fit, it's really not worth it.

Clint agrees, and goes back to sleep.

 

10:44am

Everyone is back in the van from the rest stop and they head on their way again.

 

11:03am

Everyone is awake still. Clint and Natasha are holding an animated conversation in sign language in the back seat. Steve can only pick up on a couple of the signs. So can Matt. Tony is wondering if Thor's Allspeak applies to sign language, or if he could make a program for Jarvis to recognize sign language and translate it to speech or text. (Probably, he decides, because he's a genius.)

Bruce just keeps driving.

 

11:26am

Tony is complaining about Bruce's music choices. Steve reminds him that 'driver picks the music, shotgun, and everyone else, shuts their cakehole' as he so eloquently put it when he was driving.

 

11:35am

Tony has put his headphones in, and everyone can hear his music, except for Clint, who can't hear much of anything at the moment.

Matt can even tell which version of the song it is, a fact which he doesn't share.

 

12:02pm

Matt is concerned about a sound in the engine.

 

12:06pm

Matt realizes it's actually Bruce's music, not the engine.

 

12:27pm

“I'm hungry,” Clint complains loudly.

“Hi hungry, I'm Natasha,” she says, and then throws a bag of pretzels at him.

Tony is impressed, and kind of sad that Clint missed it. “Dad jokes,” he mutters to himself.

Clint busies himself with eating the pretzels, which means he can't speak, at risk of losing his tongue. (Natasha doesn't like when people talk with food in their mouth. Neither does anyone else, but she's the only one who will do something about it.)

 

12:43pm

Clint has finished the pretzels, and has mainly made a mess.

 

1:03pm

Natasha has distracted Clint with a game on her tablet. Steve has gone back to reading his book. Tony is listening to music, still very loudly, and Matt is listening to something as well.

It's almost... peaceful.

 

1:38pm

Bruce says he's getting tired of driving, and stressed about the traffic. Matt announces he wants a snack, which really, he's the only one who ate a real breakfast, so no one is sure why.

Tony starts looking for a place, and starts giving directions to Bruce.

 

1:50pm

They arrive at their snack/lunch destination, Mr Freeze. Tony claims the ice cream is great. Natasha asks if he didn't consider something with more actual food options, since... well, since most of them hadn't had breakfast.

Tony looks indignant.

Clint wakes up and looks thrilled at the prospect of eating just ice cream for a meal. He pushes past Matt to get out of the van, and spends the next few minutes reading the sign and making a very hard decision.

 

1:57pm

Everyone has ordered, and everyone has ice cream.

Bruce asks who's going to drive next, because he needs to sit in the back and listen to some relaxing music for a while.

No one really wants to drive, is the problem.

 

2:05pm

Straws are drawn to see who drives next, since Bruce refuses to drive through the worst of the traffic.

 

2:07pm

Straws are redrawn after they realize Matt, who drew the short straw, should not drive. An argument breaks out over who thought that including a straw for Matt was a good idea.

 

2:08pm

Straws are redrawn after they realize Clint, who can't hear anything currently, should not drive. Another argument breaks out over who thought including a straw for him was a good idea.

 

2:10pm

The argument has now broken out into a fight. Tony is threatening to put the suit on if Steve doesn't let him out of the headlock.

 

2:12pm

Tony puts the suit on.

 

2:14pm

The fight is broken up.

 

2:16pm

It's decided that Steve will drive.

 

2:17pm

Straws are about to be drawn to see who gets shotgun when everyone realizes Natasha deserves it.

Steve reminds her that feet aren't allowed on the dashboard. No one knows what they're talking about. Natasha smiles and agrees.

 

2:19pm

Matt complains to Clint that he should be sitting in the front seat, since it was supposed to be their trip. Clint obviously doesn't hear him, but everyone else does. Bruce just tries to make himself smaller in the back seat. it doesn't work. Everyone else is just glad he's not green.

Tony suggests that he should be happy he's not in the very back. Matt doesn't look happy, nor does he look like he appreciates Tony's comments.

 

2:24pm

Steve realizes that _Tony put on the suit,_ and is really wondering how he managed to fit it in the back of the van. Perhaps he had managed to invent a bag that was bigger on the inside and just wasn't interested in sharing.

He thinks he might have to ask Tony when he wakes up. Since he manages to fall asleep in the span of three minutes.

Or he could be faking it. He could ask Matt, but he thinks he won't.

 

2:37pm

Tony is wondering why their van doesn't have a DVD player.

Steve wonders why a van would have a DVD player, but doesn't say it out loud.

Natasha doesn't mention she packed a portable DVD player. They'll find out soon enough.

 

2:49pm

Steve thinks they might need more frequent rest stops since their discussion came to blows. Six superheroes with varying abilities in a van for so many hours a day can only go badly.

He takes solace in the fact that most of the other days have an activity planned, with minimal driving.

He just hopes they survive that long.

 

3:14pm

Matt announces yellow car. Everyone (except for Clint, who didn't hear it) scrambles to spot it.

Tony realizes it first, and glares at Matt, who is just smiling.

“This is a stupid game,” he announces.

Steve reminds him he was the one who 'invented' it.

 

3:46pm

Tony has been muttering to himself for a good half hour about people who think they're funny. Everyone stopped listening around 29 minutes ago.

 

4:03pm

Matt announces yellow car again. The only one who looks up is Bruce, who spots it as well.

Tony is fuming. Steve is impressed. Clint doesn't know what's happening. Natasha is smug about it, since she and Matt worked out a system for her to alert him to yellow cars.

 

4:48pm

They arrive at their dinner destination, a Mexican restaurant that Clint picked out.

 

4:54pm

Clint immediately announces he will be eating the combo platter, as well as an extra chimichanga, because _chimichangas._

Everyone else, but especially Natasha, thinks this will end poorly. She's the only one who tells him she thinks so.

Clint denies it.

 

5:01pm

Everyone besides Clint orders a normal amount of food.

 

5:37pm

Clint has managed to eat most of his giant platter. Everyone else has finished their normal amount of food. Clint is still powering through.

 

5:58pm

Clint is regretting the second chimichanga. Natasha predicted this, and is smug about it. Clint doesn't hear her, but probably knows she's being smug anyway. He's too busy being curled up in the backseat muttering about his food baby.

 

6:01pm

Tony takes his place at the wheel since Clint still can't hear, Matt doesn't have a license (and never should), and Natasha looks threateningly at anyone who so much as looks at her before suggesting she drive. Which leaves Tony as the person who hasn't had a turn.

 

6:05pm

Steve has agreed that Tony can pick the music, as long as it remains at a reasonable volume. Tony is not the one who gets to decide the volume.

 

6:13pm

Tony thinks the volume Steve has chosen is too quiet. He argues that it should be loud enough for Clint to hear. Natasha reminds them that Clint is almost completely deaf, and that he doesn't want to listen to the music anyway.

 

6:15pm

Tony has turned the music up to levels where it shakes the whole van. Clint looks started. Everyone else looks uncomfortable. Matt is covering his ears and wincing.

Steve tells Tony he can leave it at a reasonable volume or he will let Bruce choose the station.

 

6:17pm

The music has returned to a normal volume.

 

6:39pm

The music is still at a normal volume. Bruce thinks Tony has chosen wisely, because he hates his music choices.

 

7:14pm

Everyone is still alive and relatively content. Clint has digested some of his food baby and appears to be almost human again. He's uncurled from his ball and is signing with Nat. The conversation appears to be heated.

Matt understands the word idiot, and smiles.

 

7:29pm

The conversation in sign in the back seat has finished. Clint appears to be pouting. Natasha looks smug. No one asks why.

 

7:52pm

They arrive at the hotel. Every has made a bet about how many rooms Tony has booked.

Natasha thinks it will be five. Clint thinks four. Matt is optimistic, and hoping for six or more. Steve is hoping there will be at least three. Bruce is trying not to be too hopeful.

 

7:55pm

Tony has booked six rooms. Everyone is happy about that, and Matt collects his winnings.

 

8:14pm

Even though everyone has their own room, Tony has gravitated into Bruce's, and Clint and Natasha are together.

 

8:39pm

Tony has talked Bruce into playing some sort of version of chess with him. Bruce has no clue what's happening, but he is sure he's losing.

 

9:07pm

Tony has gotten distracted with a new game idea. He has taken over Bruce's room with sketches and pieces of games that seem to have appeared out of nowhere.

Bruce sighs, and moves to Tony's room. He doubts the other man will even notice.

 

9:42pm

Clint and Natasha have taken over the hotel gym with some form of wrestling. Bruce is watching with interest, declining their offers to teach him.

He does think that he'll ask Clint to brush him up on some ASL basics later though.

 

10:02pm

Tony asks Bruce to hand him another pen, and looks up only when it doesn't happen.

He shrugs, and gets the pen himself. He seems to have forgotten he's in what used to be Bruce's room.

 

10:36pm

Matt is catching up on some work. Despite all odds, Kirsten has emailed him notes for a new case.

His computer is reading them to him, but he's still not sure how to disable Jarvis's voice. Not that he doesn't like Jarvis, he just gets startled each time, because he thinks the AI has somehow infiltrated his computer, and is that much closer to taking over the world.

 

10:49pm

Clint is running Bruce through the ASL alphabet, which he knows most of, and just needs some reminders.

 

10:52pm

Steve calls Sam.

“How's Bucky,” he asks. “Sorry. I mean, hi Sam, how are you, what's new, how's Bucky.”

Sam laughs. “Hey Steve. I'm good thanks. And he's fine. Right now he's playing Mario Kart with Thor.”

Steve groans. “I thought Coulson banned it?”

“Technically Coulson banned Clint and Natasha. There was no mention of Bucky or me anywhere in there, and really, who's going to fight with Thor?”

Steve had to agree with that.

“Hey, give me the phone,” Bucky shouts in the background. “I want to talk to that punk.”

Sam hands the phone over, and Bucky must tuck it between his shoulder and his ear, because Steve can still hear the sounds of Mario Kart in the background.

“Hey Buck. Are you winning?”

“For now, yeah. Thor uses too much force on the buttons and tends to break them in the middle of the game, but Stark needs to adapt a remote for me that works better with my hand.”

Steve hums, and he hears Bucky swear under his breath.

“Language,” he reminds him. Bucky switches to German and Thor laughs.

“Yes, I have red shelled you friend!”

“Oh, we are not friends,” Bucky hisses.

Sam must take the phone back, because the sounds of Mario Kart lessen, and Steve can hear his amused noises.

“See, I told you. He's fine. He ate almost a normal meal for dinner, and he didn't end his therapy session with violence today, so it's all good. I think the more important question is, have you killed anyone yet? I'm mostly asking about Stark.”

“Tony is still alive. For now. It's only the second day though.”

“Good luck with that. Oh damn, Thor got a bullet. I've got to go.”

“Okay, talk to you later. Wait, what did you mean there wasn't any violence today? Sam?”

Sam has already hung up. Steve sighs. If it was serious, Sam would have told him. Most likely.

 

10:57pm

Two rooms over, Matt has heard the entire conversation, and wonders exactly how bullets fit into a game of Mario Kart, but as he's never played, he can't be sure.

He considers calling Foggy, but doesn't want to wake him if he's sleeping.

 

11:17pm

Clint has moved to teaching Bruce more signs, things like colours, days of the weeks, and insults. The basics really.

 

11:47pm

No one knows where Natasha is. This is the way she wants it.

 

12:07am

Steve reminds everyone who is still awake that they actually do need to get up early the next day. Bruce is already asleep, and so it doesn't affect him.

Steve especially reminds Clint to not forget his hearing aids for the next day.

Natasha relays this to him with a number of insults. Steve recognizes those well enough, and vows to learn more ASL. He only knows the basics, which of course include swearing.

 

2:06am

The final person falls asleep. It's Tony, of course.

 


	4. Day 3

7:30am

Steve wakes everyone up. No one is happy about it, but he reminds them that they have to leave, and if they want to eat breakfast as well, they need to get moving.

 

8:01am

Everyone is dressed, to varying states of completion, and is eating breakfast. Tony seems to have forgotten how to work a spoon, and is trying to eat his cereal directly from the bowl. Bruce takes pity on him and pours him another cup of coffee.

 

8:06am

Apparently Matt's senses don't work very well if he's not entirely awake, since he's already tried to sit on Steve twice, and has buttered his toast with cream cheese.

 

8:07am

Matt is eating the toast.

 

8:09am

Matt is done the toast and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it. Maybe Steve is wrong. Maybe it's a personal preference.

 

8:15am

Clint declares the bacon terrible, and demands they stop somewhere for pizza on the way to wherever the hell they're going today.

Steve refuses and tells him to eat a yogurt. Clint looks horrified.

 

8:17am

Natasha asks what exactly they are going that day, like she doesn't know.

Steve says he'll tell them later, when they are more conscious and likely to retain the information.

Because she already knows, Natasha doesn't care. Because everyone else isn't listening, neither do they.

 

8:22am

Steve declares everyone is done eating, and sends them back to their rooms to brush their teeth and pack their bags.

Tony whines for the sake of it.

 

8:34am

Steve has his bag packed and is waiting in the lobby for everyone else. He suspects Natasha will be the next one out, followed by Bruce or Matt.

 

8:36am

Natasha arrives in the lobby.

 

8:39am

Matt and Clint arrive in the lobby. Steve is a little surprised that Clint is packed already.

 

8:42am

Bruce arrives and Clint disappears. Steve knew it was too good to be true.

 

8:47am

Steve leaves to find out what's taking Tony so long, and finds Clint in his room. Tony promises he's almost done, and Steve drags Clint back out to the lobby with him, since he can only be a distraction.

 

8:51am

Natasha asks again what they're doing that day.

Steve tells the present members that they have a choice between going to the aquarium or the planetarium.

 

8:53am

Steve realizes he probably should have picked activities that weren't solely visual. He apologizes to Matt.

 

8:54am

Matt pretends to be upset with Steve.

 

8:55am

Steve doesn't know Matt is pretending, and is apologizing profusely.

 

8:56am

Clint and Matt are both nearly in tears from laughter. Steve isn't amused.

 

8:59am

Tony and Bruce have both decided to go to the planetarium. Clint and Matt both want to go to the aquarium.

Steve is torn about which group to accompany. Natasha looks amused with this turn of events.

 

9:01am

Everyone is in the van. Steve will attempt to decide on the way, since he's driving.

 

9:05am

They end up at the aquarium first. Steve realizes he can't drop people off and get out. Apparently he will be going to the planetarium.

Matt, Clint, and Natasha get out.

Everyone hopes it won't be a repeat of Australia.

 

**Morning A:**

 

9:07am

Steve, Bruce, and Tony arrive at the planetarium.

Steve has no idea what to expect, but he quickly realizes the building itself is gorgeous. It's on the water too.

 

9:11am

As soon as Tony gets them tickets, he grabs a map and browses through. “Ooh, they have shows. Let's go find the brochure for them. And Bruce look, they have an entire exhibit on telescopes.”

Steve isn't sure whether Tony is being serious, or messing with Bruce, but either way, the other man seems intrigued, and follows Tony deeper into the museum.

 

9:36am

Tony has discovered the shows that are playing.

“We're going to this one,” he says firmly. Bruce agrees.

Steve takes the offered brochure and examines it wearily. _Cosmic Wonder._ The images are beautiful.

“Alright,” he relents.

 

9:42am

The show is not until 10:30. Steve refuses to go wait in line already. It can't possibly be that busy.

Bruce suggests they check out some of the exhibitions. Tony agrees reluctantly.

 

9:48am

Tony has spotted the children's section. He wants to go pretend to be an astronaut and hang out on a moon base.

Steve admits it does sound appealing. Bruce thinks he could get the staff to let him if they realized who he was.

 

9:51am

Everyone slightly more sad, they walk past the children's section.

 

9:57am

They head to the solar system area, where Tony tells them they can learn about all the things that rotate around their sun. Bruce also seems excited, and Steve thinks it might be contagious.

 

10:23am

They head back to the watch the show, and Tony is practically bouncing in excitement. Steve hopes it lives up with the hype.

 

10:54am

Steve may be a little bit in love.

 

10:56am

With the universe that is. And the show. Not with any person.

 

11:29am

They spend the next little while in the mission moon area. Steve is still having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that they sent men to the moon. Not that he doesn't believe it, because he's seen so many things that are far more ridiculous, but he can't help but be so proud of his species. For all that they've done, some of it has been good.

 

12:04pm

They take a lunch break and wonder how their friends are making out.

Tony muses that he forgot to give them money for lunch. Steve is confident in Natasha's ability to provide.

 

12:54pm

Steve stops at the astronomy in culture exhibit. While he's looking at how people used to think the earth was the centre of the universe, Tony and Bruce disappear. When he looks up next, they're gone.

Steve sighs.

 

1:03pm

Steve is pondering whether he should ask the staff for help in finding Tony and Bruce, before he realizes that it would be trending on twitter in a matter of minutes if he did.

Because yes, he knows what twitter is.

 

1:15pm

Steve is walking by the children's section on the way to check the theatre for the second time when he spots them.

He stands just outside, hands on his hips, glaring at them.

Bruce spots him first and pokes Tony, and they slouch out like sullen teenagers.

 

1:19pm

“They key is to act like you belong,” Tony insists. “As long as we looked like we weren't guilty about being there, it was okay.”

“I made a friend,” Bruce notes. “Her name was Patricia and she was seven and she loved dinosaurs and wondered if they came from space.”

Steve sighs, but doesn't indulge them.

“Come on. I want to see the community design lab. There's stuff you can play with,” he adds, and the two of them light up.

 

2:04pm

By the time they left the community design lab, Tony had gotten into an argument with one of the employees about how practical space travel was, and Bruce had built a model airplane from duct tape and cleverly folded paper. Steve came away with a sketch of Pluto, since new images had shown up, and he was fascinated by their ability to have pictures of something so far away.

 

2:09pm

“Star positions as they were in 1913,” Tony reads off the sign for the historic Atwood sphere. “Just like old times, eh Cap?”

Steve huffs. “You know very well even I wasn't born then. And even if I was, it's Chicago, not New York.”

“Did you ever look at the stars?” Bruce asks as they line up.

Steve remembers hot nights in New York where they sat outside, hoping that a breeze would grace across them. He remembers nights spent camping outside, sleeping on his back in a foreign country, looking up at stars that weren't quite the same as at home.

“Yes,” he says simply. “I did.”

 

2:41pm

“I want to take another look at the astronomy in culture exhibit,” Steve tells them after they've recovered from the awe of seeing how stars were more than a hundred years ago. “Since I didn't get to finish,” he adds.

Tony doesn't look guilty, but Bruce does.

“Fine,” he agrees.

 

2:54pm

Steve announces they have to leave, since he told the other group they would pick them up at 3.

Apparently Tony and Bruce already went to the gift shop, before they infiltrated the children's area. Steve laments that he would have liked to pick up a souvenir, but apparently they thought of that.

Tony throws a small bag at him, and Steve opens it to find a model of Pluto.

'The Forgotten Planet' the label reads.

Steve grins.

“Come on,” he tells them. “Let's go pick up the walking disasters.”

 

 

**Morning B:**

 

9:06am

It turns out the aquarium offers guided tours for the blind with tactile elements.

Natasha signs them up for one immediately. It will start at ten.

Until then, Clint just drags Matt around to each of the tanks, ooh-ing and ah-ing at the creatures inside. Matt guesses at what each of the creatures are, but only succeeds with the rare one.

 

10:00am

Their tour guide is named Rhonda, and doesn't seem to recognize them as Avengers. Probably because Matt isn't actually an Avenger, and Natasha and Clint are the least known. The other group is probably more recognizable.

 

“This is the largest indoor aquarium in the world,” she tells then, smiling. “Do you have any vision?” she asks Matt, who is holding onto Natasha's arm.

“Ah, no. None.”

“Okay. I won't waste your time on other exhibits then, and we can get right to the touching.”

Natasha elbows Clint before he can make a clever comment.

“Do you have any preference as to what we start with?” she asks them.

“Nope,” Natasha says before Clint can protest.

 

10:14pm

Rhonda starts them off with the sea otters.

“We have four female sea otters, our newest addition being Luna, who's nearly a year old now. She was rescued when she was about five days old, and was brought to us when she was five weeks. We have a model of the size she was when she came to us, and a size from recently, when she was eight months old.”

Matt looks surprised when he places his hands on them. “She was tiny.”

“She only weighed five and a half pounds when she arrived. Now she's almost 30.”

Clint is watching two of them swim in a nearby pool. “They're kind of adorable,” he admits.

Natasha agrees.

 

10:37am

Rhonda tells them a bit more about sea otters, how they eat a third of their body weight each day (“Like Steve,” Clint commented,) and how their fur is some of the densest in the animal kingdom.

Then they move onto the sea turtles.

“Nickel got her name when we performed surgery and found a nickel in her throat.”

“I guess it's good that you found that, and not something else,” Matt comments.

“Yeah, dime or quarter wouldn't make very good names.”

“Penny would be nice,” Natasha adds.

Clint agrees. “But like, what if you found a Snapple cap in her?”

“That's a super cute name,” Natasha tells him.

Matt smiles at Rhonda. It's a shared 'they're ridiculous I know but please humour them' smile.

 

10:53am

They move from Nickel to exotic fish, then onto various sea urchins and anemone.

Some of them Matt is allowed to touch, and others Rhonda describes.

 

11:19am

Next comes frogs.

As Matt is reaching out to touch a frog that Rhonda brought out, she tells them about poison dart frogs.

“The most toxic of the poison dart frogs, the golden poison frog, contains enough toxin to kill on average ten to twenty men.”

Matt yanks his hand back.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that this was one of them. This is a bullfrog, one of the most common North American frogs. It's also the largest in North America, and it's call can be heard up to half a mile.”

Matt frowns, but reaches back towards the frog and touches it hesitantly.

“Ew, this one peed on me,” Clint complains.

Natasha snickers, and taps the frog on the head. It croaks softly.

 

11:35am

The seahorses are last on the tour. Matt doesn't get to touch any of them, but Rhonda hands him a model to feel as she tells the group about them.

“Some of the males can hold up to 600 young in their pouch while they grow.”

“Males?” Clint repeats.

“Yes, the males carry the young while they develop.”

Natasha makes a pleased sound as she watches them swish around in their tank.

Matt sets the seahorse model down gently, running a finger over the curve of it's back and tail.

 

11:49am

They thank Rhonda for the wonderful tour, and head off to get some lunch. Natasha sends them to wash their hands first, and Clint nearly talks Matt into going into the wrong washroom. As payback, Matt accidentally shakes his wet hands all over Clint and scurries out of the bathroom in hopes of Natasha protecting him.

 

She just glares at both of them.

 

12:03pm

“Tony didn't give us lunch money,” Clint realizes.

“Good thing some of us aren't broke,” Natasha smirks.

Matt glowers in her direction, and Clint looks hurt.

“My treat today boys.”

 

1:04pm

Natasha surprises them with something else- she's booked a penguin petting session.

“No way,” Clint breathes.

Natasha grins at him. “Yes way.”

“We get to touch the penguins?” Matt asks.

“And feed them and love them!” Clint shrieks.

Matt winces.

Natasha swats Clint and shushes him. “No shrieking at the penguins. You'll scare them. Now, come on. It's at 1:30.” She takes Matt's arm and Clint trails behind them.

 

1:35pm

Clint may be more in love with the penguin than he was with the sea otters. Matt can literally hear the heart eyes.

 

2:02pm

Matt laughs when he touches the penguin because it's smooth and soft and like nothing he ever imagined.

Clint is planning how to steal it.

 

2:09pm

Natasha reminds Clint very nicely in sign language that she will cut off vital body parts if he ever tries to 'rescue' an animal again.

Clint suddenly seems very interested in what the trainer is saying about eating habits.

 

2:31pm

Their time with the penguins is done, and they thank the trainer and the penguin for a wonderful time.

Their last stop is the gift shop.

 

2:44pm

Clint spends all of his time debating between two t-shirts, both of which are ridiculously similar, and Matt just spends his time running his hands over the stuffed animals, trying to tell them apart. Natasha tries to trick him, but her heartbeat gives her away almost every time.

 

2:51pm

Clint has forgone the shirts in favour of the stuffed animals that Matt has been fondling for twenty minutes. Natasha is wondering when he'll remember he doesn't have money, and is also debating whether she'll take pity on him and foot the bill.

 

2:58pm

“We should probably go,” Natasha points out. “Steve said he'd pick us up at three.”

Clint clutches at the stuffed clown fish. “Please!” he pleads.

Natasha rolls her eyes, but throws it down on the counter and buys it.

“Happy?” she asks, tossing him the bag.

“Yep,” he chirps.

She takes one of his arms, and offers her other to Matt, leading them out of the building.

 

3:04pm

The van arrives to pick them up, and they all climb in.

“How was the aquarium?” Steve asks.

“Look what I got!” Clint tells him, waving his stuffed fish in his face.

“Clint!” he yells. “Not while I'm driving.”

“His name is Nemo,” Clint says, holding him close.

“The aquarium was good,” Matt tells Steve, since he's still waiting for an answer. “They had interactive things for me to do, since I can't, you know, see the fish.”

“I'm sorry about that,” Steve apologizes again.

“You do know I'm messing with you most of the time, right?”

Steve glances at him. “Does that include now?”

Matt laughs. “No, not now.”

 

3:30pm

Clint is determined to reenact Finding Nemo using his stuffed clownfish, since apparently Natasha has never seen it.

“Even Steve has seen it!” Clint protests. “How can you not have?”

“I haven't seen it either,” Matt objects. “Or, you know, listened to it.”

Clint groans. “How can I be friends with you.”

“Bucky made me watch it,” Steve adds helpfully.

 

“Okay, so pretend there are two clownfish here. And they're a couple, and they're looking at all their lil eggs. When suddenly!”

Clint mimes a shark or something attacking them, and it just devolves from there.

 

4:28pm

“Okay, so Matt and Bruce are sharks, right, and Marlin and Dory are this close to them.”

 

5:02pm

“Meanwhile Nemo is all like, yeah, I can swim even with my defective flipper. Yay for representation. Oh, did I mention the bitey kid? She's scary.”

 

5:38pm

They arrive at their dinner destination just as Clint reunites Nemo and Marlin, bringing an end to the story. Matt thinks it wasn't half bad, even if he couldn't see Clint using his shoe as Dory.

“Thank goodness that's over,” Natasha mutters, pushing her way out of the van and into the restaurant.

 

6:42pm

Dinner was yet another eventful meal.

“I can't take you guys anywhere,” Tony complains after Matt spills a drink that was right next to his plate and Bruce gets soaked while trying to clean it up.

 

6:55pm

They arrive at their hotel to find that Tony has booked seven rooms. No one is sure why seven, when there is only six of them, but they are happy they don't have to share.

The town is called Normal. Clint wonders whose idea it was to stay in a town that is literally the opposite of what they are.

 

7:03pm

Clint has decided he wants everyone to see the actual version of Finding Nemo, and is pestering Tony to find a copy with descriptive video.

Matt says that's really not necessary, but Clint insists.

 

7:36pm

Natasha points out that the movie is more effective at explaining the events than Clint is.

Matt assures him he did well.

Tony shushes them.

 

8:13pm

Natasha is admiring Dory while Clint makes whale noises. Bruce 'accidentally' shifts on the bed and pushes him off.

 

9:01pm

Steve asks what Clint thinks about the upcoming sequel.

Clint squeals and rolls off the bed.

Matt translates that it means he's thrilled.

 

9:09pm

Natasha suggests another movie, but something different this time.

Steve immediately vetoes horror, because he's sat through too many horror movies with her to willingly do it again.

She glares at him.

 

9:14pm

While everyone is discussing the relative benefits of different movie genres, Tony puts on The Lion King with descriptive video. Because Matt looks so thrilled, no one argues.

 

9:36pm

No one is crying. Nope.

 

10:04pm

Clint is muttering under his breath about corrupt uncles and hyenas. Natasha absently pats him on the shoulder and continues watching the movie.

 

11:01pm

The movie finishes. “Okay, how about Lion King 2?” Tony asks. “Lion King 1 and a half? Come on, that one's funny. It's from Timon and Pumbaa's point of view! Rogers, back me up.”

Steve shrugs at him. “I haven't seen those ones Tony.”

Tony sighs, long suffering, and just looks disappointed in his choice of friends.

 

11:14pm

Everyone returns to their rooms except for Tony, who wants to stay with Bruce. Steve drags him out, and Bruce looks relieved.

 

11:16pm

Steve deposits Tony in his room and tells him to go to bed, because they need to be up early the next day.

Tony plans to stay up all night just to spite him.

 

12:02am

Tony falls asleep.

 

12:19am

Everyone is asleep.

 


	5. Day 4

8:02am

Steve announces he wants to leave by 9 so they can make it to the art museum by noon.

Clint thinks it's highly optimistic of him.

 

9:01am

Against all odds, everyone is packed and in the van. Steve is pleased with himself.

Clint has already fallen back asleep, and therefore doesn't have a chance to be surprised.

 

9:14am

Natasha is with Steve in the front, and she's discussing the art exhibits that are supposed to be on show. Steve has never been to a museum outside the ones in New York and DC, and he's excited to see something new.

Natasha says she'll have to take him to Europe, because the art there is even better. It goes without saying they won't take Clint or Matt, since the last time they went to an art museum they ended up in the middle of a heist and had to call Natasha to bail them out.

Needless to say, they will both be watched very closely this afternoon.

 

9:46am

Tony breaks the relative silence to let them know the museum they're going to looks boring, and that there's a different museum they should go to instead.

 

10:02am

Matt asks if Steve planned the activities without remembering he was coming.

Steve's not sure if he's kidding or not this time.

Natasha reminds him what happened the last time he went to a museum, and asks him why he thinks he'll be allowed out of the car at all.

 

10:10am

Both Matt and Clint are wondering if they will indeed be left in the van while the others go into the museum.

 

10:32am

Skyfall comes on the radio.

Clint starts singing along. Apparently he knows all the words.

Everyone applauds when he finishes, except for Steve, who's driving and doesn't believe in taking his hands off the wheel, even if for a moment.

 

Clint starts singing to the next song as well, apparently encouraged.

 

10:47pm

Natasha decides Clint is done singing now.

 

10:54am

“New game,” Steve announces. “We go through the alphabet, so we'd start with A, saying your name, who you live with, where you live, and what you do, which is usually selling something, all starting with the same letter.”

Clint is conscious enough now, and he decides to go first. “My name is Adam. I live with Annie in Alaska and we're anchormen.”

“It's supposed to be a city, not a state. We'll run out otherwise.”

“Fine, Anchorage then.”

Bruce goes next. “My name is Bruce. I live with Betty in Bangkok and we sell bananas.”

“My name is Candace. I live with Charlie in Cambridge and we are cameramen,” Matt chimes in.

They decide Tony should go next. “This game is dumb,” he grumbles. “My name is Dan. I live with Dexter in Detroit and we sell drugs.”

Matt and Clint grin, and Steve sighs.

“My name is Elijah,” Natasha says. “I live with Ethan in Edmonton and we sell educations.”

 

11:02am

There is a brief pause in the game as they debate whether educations can indeed be sold.

Natasha wins, of course.

 

11:05am

“My name is Felicia. I live with Fabian in Florence and we sell fish,” Steve says.

Clint goes again. “My name is George. I live with Genie in Grenada and we sell guns.”

Steve sighs. “Can you please stop selling black market items.”

“You should have specified before we started the game,” Tony tells him. “It's too late now.”

 

11:09am

Steve considers his life choices as Bruce claims his name is Hector, he lives with Hannah in Havana, and they sell halos.

 

11:11am

“My name is Ivan, I live with Isaac in Indianapolis, and we are inventors,” Matt says.

Tony continues with Joseph and Jessica living in Jerusalem and selling jays.

Natasha is named Kevin and lives with Keiran in Kuwait City, where they are kings.

Steve doesn't fight her on it, and just goes. “My name is Lizzie. I live with Luke in Lima and we sell limes.”

 

Matt thinks they should have been lawyers. Clint wonders if they can grow limes in Lima before claiming his name is Molly, he lives with Maya in Madrid, and they are matchmakers. He does not specify which kind.

 

Bruce's name is now Nigel, and he lives with Naomi in Nairobi where they sell nuts. Matt is now Olivia, he lives with Omar in Oakville, and they are ophthalmologists. Everyone groans.

Tony's name is Preston, and he lives with Priscilla in Portland, where they sell pitchforks.

 

11:24am

Natasha takes a minute to consider her Q options.

“My name is Quinn. I live with Quagmire in Quito, and we sell questionnaires.”

Clint asks who would name their child Quagmire. Natasha responds with who would name their child Clinton.

 

11:27am

Steve manages to prevent the fight, and goes ahead with his letter. “My name is Rachel. I live with Rylie in Reykjavik, and we sell rice.”

 

Clint grins before going ahead with his. “My name is Steve. I live with Sam in Seattle and we are soldiers.”

Steve doesn't comment and just gestures for Bruce to go.

“My name is Tiana, I live with Tyronne in Timbuktu, and we are tortoise farmers.”

No one decides to tell him that's probably not a thing.

“My name is Ullr, I live with Umbridge in Ube, and we sell umbrellas,” Matt says.

“What kind of name is Ullr?” Clint asks.

Matt shrugs. “Thor told me.”

“My name is Violet,” Tony declares. “I live with Victor in Vaduz and we are violinists.”

“My name is Walter and I live in Warsaw with Whitney, where we sell white tulips,” Natasha says.

 

It takes Steve a minute to come up with his. “My name is Xavier. I live with Xander in Xinzhou, and we sell x-rays.”

Clint goes next. “My name is Yasmin, I live with Yumiko in York, and we sell yellow paint.”

Bruce considers Z for a moment. “My name is Zachary. I live with Zoe in Zaria and we are zoologists.”

 

Tony applauds loudly. “We made it through the entire alphabet. Go us.”

 

11:43am

The game deteriorates after that, with people just going through random letters, not in order.

Clint comes up with Fury and Fitz, living in Florence as flautists.

It's not as bad as Natasha's Coulson and Clint, living in Cairo and selling camels.

 

12:15pm

They arrive at the museum just as they begin to go through the alphabet for the third time.

Steve is impressed with his driving. He's also thankful he doesn't have to listen to the game anymore, even though it was his idea.

 

He's just pulled into a parking space when Tony takes his seat belt off and shoves his phone in Steve's face.

“Steve, look,” Tony insists. “The other museum has slides and ball pits. It has art Matt can touch. It's made of broken buildings and repurposed tiles and it is much more exciting than this place.”

Based on the images Tony is showing him, Steve can't help but agree.

 

“We can always dump them there, and come back here if you want,” Natasha offers.

Steve nods. “Put your seat belt back on,” he orders Tony.

 

12:21pm

Steve pulls into another parking lot, above which sits planes and a school bus and metal tunnels and so many other things that he can't even name.

He thinks it will be good.

 

12:25pm

They are inside the museum, which Tony says is more of a giant jungle gym than a playground, and everyone is immediately overwhelmed. There are also no maps, which means a decent amount of time will probably be spent being lost.

 

12:27pm

Tony gives everyone fifty dollars to buy lunch and a souvenir.

Steve has long since given up trying to prevent Tony from giving him money, and instead sets it aside to donate later.

“Be back here by six,” he tells them.

“It's open til midnight,” Tony tells him.

“More time then?”

“How about ten,” Natasha suggests. “There's a lot to see and do here apparently, and I think we could use all the time we have. If anyone gets bored, just send a text, and we can leave earlier.”

Everyone agrees that sounds good, and they break off into smaller groups.

Tony and Clint practically run off together to climb up a large coil that has been repurposed as a sort of ladder. Matt takes Natasha's arm, and they head off in a different direction.

Steve spends five minutes marvelling at the mosaic that covers the floor in every direction as far as he can see, and when he looks up, Bruce is standing there as well, similarly taken in.

“Shall we?” he asks.

Bruce is still starry eyed, but nods.

 

1:34pm

Natasha and Matt plan to work methodically through the museum, a floor at a time. Natasha points out interesting things for Matt to touch and reads the signs to him.

Steve and Bruce still keep getting distracting by the remarkable architecture, and are two floors behind.

 

1:57pm

Tony and Clint spend an hour lost in the caves, but refuse to ask for directions.

 

2:55pm

Tony and Clint make it out of the cave, and immediately go to get a snack to get them through the ordeal.

 

3:14pm

On their way out of the food court, Clint spots a sign advertising a giant slide.

“A ten story slide,” Clint breathes, reading the sign. “I am so going on that.”

“That means we have to go up to the roof to get on it. We'll work our way there,” Tony tells him.

Clint frowns.

 

4:03pm

Clint has managed to lose Tony, but has found Matt, who has lost Natasha. They collectively shrug and head to the second floor.

 

4:14pm

“I'm getting custom shoelaces,” Clint announces. “Ones with little targets on them. Or arrows. Ooh, maybe one of each? Matt, you should get ones with devil horns.”

“They would be wasted on me,” Matt says with a straight face.

“You wouldn't wear them for you, you'd wear them for me. Come on.”

 

4:21pm

They end up all getting custom shoelaces. Clint decides on arrows, Matt allows himself to be talked into devil horns. Natasha and Tony show up while they're debating the relative merits of laces versus velcro. Natasha then decides on ballet slipper laces and Tony gets ones that glow in the dark. Clint laments he should have gotten those ones.

 

4:33pm

Natasha wants ice cream, so they head down a floor to the food court.

They find Bruce and Steve there, sharing a plate of fries. They wave.

 

“Having fun?” Tony smirks at them.

“Yeah actually,” Bruce admits. “Probably more than I would have had at the other place.”

Tony looks triumphant.

Steve shrugs. “It is pretty cool here.”

“Did you hear that, Captain America admitted I was right. Take note of this day, because I, Tony Stark, was proven right by Captain America.”

Natasha reappears behind him, licking an ice cream cone and rolling her eyes. “Yeah okay. Let's leave the boys alone.”

She drags Tony off by his collar, and Clint and Matt follow.

 

4:51pm

“The third floor is haunted you know,” Clint says.

“No it's not,” Tony scoffs.

“I'm with Tony on this one,” Matt chimes in.

“Nat, back me up here,” Clint pleads.

She only shrugs at him.

 

5:03pm

What no one realized was that the third floor held a skate park without skate boards, but ropes instead.

 

Matt looks absolutely gleeful, and takes off running, his cane thrust into Clint's hand.

“Show off,” Tony mutters, as they watch Matt scale a 12 foot ramp with ease.

Clint's attempt is less successful, and Matt tries to hide his laughter as he sits atop the ramp with Clint struggling below him.

Natasha smirks and licks her ice cream cone.

 

5:15pm

Steve and Bruce have also made it to the third floor, but they headed to the art section instead of the skate park. The art technique of the day involves splattering paint across paper. Bruce takes to it enthusiastically. Steve is more hesitant, but finds himself enjoying it by the end.

 

5:25pm

Clint has given up on the ropes, and is sulking. Matt seems to sense this, because he hops down and takes his cane back from Natasha, who was left holding it after Clint pushed it at her in an attempt to show up Matt. A failed attempt.

“What's next?” he asks Clint.

“Haunted,” Clint tells him.

Tony scoffs.

“I want to see a ghost,” Clint announces.

“I'd like that too,” Matt deadpans.

Natasha smirks and Tony bites back a laugh.

 

5:43pm

Somehow, they end up going down the slide, walking up to the third floor, and repeating.

They do that until Tony gets breathless and complains about the slide surface being uncomfortable.

Natasha drags Matt down the slide again, and Clint is left with Tony.

“Want to go see the cross from The Exorcist?” Clint asks.

“Oh god yes.”

 

6:01pm

The pair of Natasha and Matt and the other pair of Bruce and Steve are exploring the caves, but won't find each other.

Matt likes feeling all of the animals sculpted into the walls and trying to identify them before Natasha can. With the dim lighting, they're almost on even footing.

 

6:14pm

“Snake,” Matt guesses.

“No, it's got feet. It's some sort of lizard.”

Matt feels for them. “Ah, there they are.”

 

6:19pm

“Is that a pig?” Bruce asks.

Steve squints at the animal. “It looks more like a dog to me.”

“How is that possible? How can something look like a dog and a pig?” Bruce complains.

Steve shrugs. “Artistic license?”

 

7:02pm

“Are we lost Natasha?” Matt asks.

She doesn't respond, which is answer enough.

 

7:11pm

“Why would that even be needed?” Tony asks.

Clint tilts his head as though the angle would reveal something new to him. “I wonder if anyone ever wore them.”

“Matt would know,” Tony says immediately.

“Probably why he avoided this display,” Clint muttered.

“'World's largest underwear'... I could definitely make a bigger pair. I don't know why I'd need to, but I could. I'm just saying.”

Clint nods.

 

7:39pm

Matt remembers feeling this animal before. He's pretty sure they need to go left to get out of the maze of caves.

Natasha goes right.

“Nat?” he sighs.

“черт побери,” she hisses. “We're not lost,” she adds.

“That's not what I was going to say,” he sighs, but follows her.

 

7:51pm

Natasha and Matt make it out of the caves, but end up on the first floor, somehow.

“How about we head to the roof?” Matt suggests.

She agrees.

 

8:15pm

“The spokes in the railing are like wrapping paper,” Natasha tells Matt. He runs his hands over them.

“No two are the same.”

“Pretty?” he asks.

“Very,” she confirms.

 

8:29pm

It appears everyone had the same idea, because they're all on the roof. Tony looks relieved to see Bruce alive and in one piece. Natasha is glad Clint and Tony haven't killed each other. Or gotten lost. Either could have happened.

 

8:41pm

Tony and Bruce are discussing which slide would be better to go down, the ten story or the five story. Tony is pretty sure he'd need to try them all to be sure, where Bruce is going for a more scientific approach. Tony refutes his point by going down the slide, leaving Bruce along on the roof, sighing.

 

9:12pm

Clint and Matt head into the ball pit. Steve thinks it's a pity that they'll die so young. Natasha thinks they're idiots for venturing in there.

 

9:14pm

Matt regrets everything.

Clint regrets nothing.

 

9:32pm

Steve and Natasha find themselves at the top of the Ferris wheel, staring out at the city, which is brightly lit up beneath them. It's beautiful.

“This is what vacations are supposed to be about,” he tells her.

She tells him it could use some more violence, but secretly, she agrees.

 

10:01pm

Everyone has returned to the entrance for the short trip to the hotel.

“Everyone have a nice time?” Steve asks, while they walk through to the parking lot.

“Actually, yeah,” Clint says. He sounds a bit shocked.

“Good choice then, huh?” Tony asks, smug.

“Yes Tony, thank you for your input. You know, you could have helped plan the trip in the first place,” Steve points out.

Tony shrugs. “Whatever.”

 

10:09pm

Matt wants to drive to the hotel, since it's only five minutes away. Clint thinks it's a great idea. Tony thinks it could be hilarious. Natasha knows he's joking. Bruce is mildly amused by the idea. Steve is horrified.

 

10:10pm

Tony drives instead.

 

10:16pm

They arrive at the hotel. Matt tells everyone he totally could have done it.

 

10:20pm

This time they have 4 rooms. Again, Natasha immediately claims one of her own. Before Bruce can bring up his anger issues, Matt shoots him down with a very effective legal argument, and somehow he manages to get himself a single room as well. They both head off to their rooms, Matt's arm looped through Natasha's, and leave the other four to argue amongst themselves.

 

10:24pm

Bruce, Steve, Clint, and Tony all stare at each other.

Bruce suggests straws, and Tony reminds him how it turned out last time they used straws to make a decision. Steve does not want the armour to come out again.

 

Bruce suggests that as he and Steve haven't shared a room yet, it is only fair that he gets the chance.

No one protests, and the decision is made.

 

11:02pm

Tony tries to get Clint to watch a movie with him. Clint refuses and take his hearing aids out.

Tony spends the rest of the evening trying to get Clint's attention and sign at him in halted, mostly spelled out signs.

 

12:36am

Everyone is asleep.

 


	6. Day 5

8:14am

Steve starts to wake the others. Bruce is already awake, which is nice, but he declines helping.

Steve thinks that's inconsiderate, because no one would dare to throw things at Bruce, just in case.

 

8:42am

Everyone is in the lobby for breakfast. Steve sends Tony back to his room to change when he comes out wearing neon colours.

Tony protests his freedom of speech (“Not speech,” Matt tells him) and everyone else agrees they'd sooner kill him and dump his body at the side of the road than be seen with him.

“How dare you Murdock,” Tony hisses. “You can't even see me. And I know you've made a lot of questionable fashion decisions.”

“Era appropriate,” Matt says smoothly.

 

8:56pm

Tony returns wearing dark colours, and everyone approves.

“You're not my parents,” he grumbles, as Steve passes him a plate of pancakes. They're cut up and drizzled with syrup already. “Nice,” he cheers.

“You sure about that?” Natasha asks.

Tony only scowls at her and dumps more sugar in his coffee, just to prove he can.

 

9:34am

They leave the hotel. Bruce is driving, and everyone is still awake.

 

9:47am

Everyone is still awake.

 

“Okay,” Tony says. “Fuck, marry, kill.”

Everyone groans except for Steve, who is unfamiliar with this game. He does not like the sound of it though.

“Do I want to know?” he asks.

“Tony is going to list three people, and you have to pick which of them you'd-”

“Yeah, I got it,” Steve sighed, stopping Natasha from finishing.

“FMK. Doom, Loki, Kingpin.”

“Kill Loki,” Clint says immediately.

“Kingpin,” Matt says.

“I guess I'd fuck Kingpin, and marry Doom,” Clint continued. “I mean, he seems like he'd take care of his own.”

“I think I'd marry Loki,” Matt adds.

“I think I'm with Matt on this one,” Natasha says thoughtfully.

“I'd fuck Loki,” Tony announces. “I think his magic would make it really cool. Not sure who I'd marry. I'd have to interview them first.”

Natasha scoffed at him. “What, do you want to find out who'll cook for you or something?”

“Um, maybe? So what if I do?”

“I don't see the point of this game,” Steve announces.

“There isn't a point,” Bruce tells him. “It's mostly to choose between equally terrible options.”

“Ooh!” Tony says. “Would you rather!”

“Self explanatory,” Steve sighs.

“Okay, would you rather fight one Hulk sized duck, or 100 duck sized Hulks.”

“I'd take the Hulks,” Natasha says. “At least he's predictable. Ducks are awful.”

“Ducks, not geese. Don't get them confused Nat,” Clint tells her.

“Ducks are bad, but not as bad as geese,” Matt agrees. “That being said, I think I'd take the giant duck.”

“Same,” Clint agrees. “All it would take is one explosive arrow. Tick tick boom!”

Bruce winces at the image. “Well, I'd rather not fight myself, so I'm going to go with the duck as well. I'm pretty sure the other guy would just try to hug it.”

“Like with the rabbit,” Natasha nods.

“I think I'd go with the Hulks,” Steve chimes in.

“Same. I feel like I could train them to fight for me, and then we'd have a lil Hulk army,” Tony says.

“You're not allowed to choose the game anymore,” Steve tells him.

Tony pouts.

 

10:15am

“I spy,” Tony blurts out.

“Seriously?” Matt asks him.

“Whoops,” he mumbles, and slinks down in his seat.

 

10:24am

“I spy with my little eye, something that is spherical,” Matt says suddenly.

Steve looks at him. “Seriously?”

“Hey, I can tell shapes. Colours, no, surface textures, no. But I am all over shapes.”

Clint scoffs at him. “Okay, is it... someone's head?”

“Nope.”

“Steering wheel?” Tony asked.

“That's round, not spherical.”

“I don't like this game,” Tony decides.

“You're the one who came up with it,” Natasha reminds him.

 

10:28am

“Natasha's earrings,” Bruce announces.

“Yep,” Matt says.

“How the hell even,” Tony mumbles.

 

10:37am

“I spy with my little eye, something that starts with the letter M,” Steve says. “Don't worry Matt, you can get this.”

“Is it me?” he asks.

Steve laughs. “No, it's not. Sorry.”

“Mess?” Clint guesses.

Steve shakes his head.

“Metallica,” Tony declares, pointing to his t-shirt, which is indeed a band shirt.

“That's not something Matt can get,” Steve tells him. “So no.”

“Mirror,” Clint guesses.

“Yes. It's your turn now.”

Clint hums and considers it.

 

10:45am

Clint is finally done considering it. “I spy with my little eye, something that starts with C.”

“If it's the cow we just drove past it doesn't count,” Natasha tells him.

Matt hears his heart speed up a bit. “Of course it wasn't,” he deflects. It's a lie.

“Is it you?” Matt asks instead of mentioning the lie.

“No.”

“Clutch?” Steve asks.

“This van doesn't even have a clutch. You've driven it; you should know.”

“A clutch is also a purse,” he points out.

Tony scoffs.

“Console,” Matt says.

Clint eyes him. “Yeah. That was it.”

Another lie.

Matt still beams. “I'm winning.”

 

11:08am

“Something that starts with L,” Natasha announces.

“Light?” Tony guesses.

“Matt can't see that.”

“He can't see light, the energy form, but he can see light, the piece of furniture,” Tony points out.

Matt sighs. “Do I really need to get into specifics again? I can't see anything, not in the way you think of sight.”

“Yeah yeah, you're sensing it, I know. Ignore my poor word choice. But is it light?”

“No,” Natasha tells him.

“Luggage?” Bruce asks.

“Nope.”

 

11:18am

No one has been able to guess Natasha's L word yet.

“Lady?” Steve asks.

Natasha only laughs at him.

 

11:34am

People are getting frustrated. Natasha just grows more smug.

 

11:51am

“Lightning?” Clint asks, desperate.

“What are you, Thor? Of course it's not lightning.”

 

12:02pm

“Fine, just tell us Natasha,” Steve sighs.

“Losers.”

“Okay, first of all, rude,” Tony says. “And second of all, subjective.”

“Fine. Lawyer then. You still didn't guess that either.”

“I don't like this game,” Clint announces.

 

12:13pm

They arrive at their lunch destination.

 

12:47pm

Steve never thought that barbequed catfish could be such an art form, but he has to admit, it was delicious.

 

1:03pm

Everyone piles back in the van, with Bruce at the wheel. Clint immediately falls asleep, his hearing aids abandoned.

“He sleeps when he's full,” Natasha tells them. “I'm surprised he hasn't just slept this entire trip with the way he's been eating.”

 

1:12pm

It's at this point that Natasha pulls out the DVD player she's been hiding in her bag since the beginning.

She puts on a movie that Steve doesn't recognize.

 

1:38pm

Steve still has no clue what the movie is, but is trying to follow the plot without any sound. For some reason, there are random scenes with wild animals.

 

2:12pm

Clint is still asleep. Natasha is still watching her movie. Steve is still trying to follow along. Tony is reading a book on his tablet, and Matt is listening to something. Bruce is driving.

It's quiet.

 

2:50pm

Steve has no clue if the girl was hit by the bus or not. In fact, he doesn't understand anything about the movie. When it finished, Natasha looked back and smirked at him, so he suspects she knew he was trying to follow along the whole time.

Perhaps it's something that she'll share with him, in time.

 

3:02pm

Clint is still sleeping. Natasha says that he'll be difficult to wake. She smiles as she says it though.

 

3:23pm

Tony demands a bathroom break. Bruce and Matt agree that it's a good idea.

 

3:37pm

Natasha has taken over the wheel in Bruce's absence. Tony and Matt return, arguing about something.

“Stop it,” Steve sighs.

“Children,” Natasha agrees.

Matt gives Tony a good jab with his cane, which effectively ends the argument. They climb in.

They set off again.

 

3:42pm

They realize they are one member short. The only reason they didn't know earlier is because it is the quietest person.

“We have to go back,” Matt says.

Tony sighs. “Yeah, probably.”

Natasha only smirks at them. She yanks on the steering wheel and manages to do a complete U turn without so much as upsetting the rest of the traffic.

 

3:43pm

Once they are turned around, they realize why the traffic wasn't upset so much by that.

Apparently Bruce didn't want to be left behind, so the Hulk took care of that. He is only a mile or so back, trotting along.

When he spots the van, he grins, bearing all his teeth, and waves at them.

Natasha waves back.

 

3:45pm

Hulk is back at the van.

 

3:46pm

Bruce is back at the van.

 

3:47pm

Bruce is in the van and they are on their way again.

 

3:51pm

Bruce is napping. Steve is very glad that Bruce brought extra clothes in case of situations like this. Matt is wondering how no one noticed he was missing. Clint is still sleeping. He slept through the entire thing. When he wakes up, he'll probably be angry he missed it.

 

4:11pm

Everyone except Steve and Natasha are sleeping.

 

4:13pm

Steve thinks about putting his feet up on the dash. He doesn't. They both enjoy the relative quiet, and with no one watching, Natasha drives like a normal person.

Steve did always suspect her manic driving skills were a front, mostly to scare people. He had to admit, it was highly effective.

 

4:51pm

They arrive at their dinner destination. Natasha takes great pleasure in waking Clint up. Steve wakes everyone else up, and the only person who tries to attack him is Matt, which is a pretty good track record.

 

4:57pm

The Full Moon Cafe does not seem prepared to handle them. Steve thinks maybe he should stop letting people randomly pick places along their route, and instead make reservations.

 

5:28pm

The tortilla soup is amazing. So are the fajitas.

 

5:41pm

Since it's the Friday night closest to the full moon, there's a party. Tony wants to stay. Bruce does not. Steve has to agree with him on that one, so while Tony pouts, he does get back in the van.

 

5:47pm

Bruce takes the wheel again, claiming it's hard to be left behind if you're the one driving. Steve apologizes again.

 

5:52pm

“What do you mean you left him behind,” Clint shrieks. “And then Hulk ran down the highway to catch up with us? Why didn't anyone wake me up?”

“We did yell at you,” Natasha shrugs.

“You're not funny,” Clint grumbles.

 

6:07pm

“Headline on the six o'clock news,” Tony says. “Hulk spotted running down highway in Oklahoma.”

“It could be worse,” Bruce says faintly.

“Hey, you're trending on Twitter,” Clint tells him. “#Bruceontheloose. Hey, that's funny. It's like Elliot Moose.”

Bruce sighs. Natasha is certain he would be face palming if he wasn't driving.

“Okay, no more talking about it,” Steve says firmly.

Bruce smiles at him in the rearview mirror thankfully.

 

6:15pm

“How do you even know who Elliot Moose is?” Natasha asks.

“How do you?” Clint shoots back.

“Research. And programming,” she tells him.

No one knows what to say to that.

 

6:49pm

“Yellow car,” Matt announces.

Some of the tension leeches out of the van.

“Yes, there is,” Steve agrees.

Matt beams.

 

7:10pm

They arrive at the hotel to find they have five rooms.

 

7:12pm

Natasha points out that since Tony was responsible for booking the rooms, he should be the one to suffer because of it.

“He won't be the only one though, because he'll have to share with someone,” Steve points out.

She raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, I see what you're saying. But we're not letting him sleep in the van. Knowing him, he'll cannibalize it for parts.”

Tony starts to protest, but is cut off by Bruce's hand over his mouth.

 

7:18pm

After much discussion, it is decided that Tony will share with Clint, who has the option to just completely ignore Tony if he wants to.

Clint doesn't want to, because it's the second night in a row he'd be sharing with Tony.

Natasha adds that she would give Clint back his DS if he cooperated.

Clint, who apparently hadn't realized it was gone, agrees immediately.

 

7:21pm

Clint and his DS are reunited. He's holding it and whispering 'my precious'. Matt wonders why he didn't notice it was missing if he's so attached to it.

 

7:25pm

Everyone is in their own room, except Tony and Clint, who are in their shared room.

It only has one bed. It's king sized, but it's still only one.

 

12:04am

“We're never telling anyone about this,” Clint growls.

Tony agrees, and tugs the blankets back from Clint, who is totally hogging them.

 


	7. Day 6

6:58am

Surprisingly, Tony is the first one awake, apparently excited for the trip to the theme park. He proclaims that he's already had two cups of coffee.

 

7:03am

Tony goes back to bed after Matt throws a pair of socks at him and mutters that the park isn't even open until 10:30 anyway.

 

8:45am

Steve wakes up to find Tony standing over his bed staring at him. It's likely the reason he woke up.

He thinks Tony is very lucky he isn't dead.

Apparently Tony didn't actually go back to bed, since he drank that coffee, but simply went back to his room and took the air conditioner apart to build something else.

Steve orders him to rebuild it. Also to leave them alone for another half hour.

 

9:14am

Clint, who managed to sleep through all the excitement, despite the fact that he shared a room and a bed with Tony, wakes up to find their room is freezing, since Tony rebuilt the air conditioner and made it better.

He hopes there is coffee, because he really isn't awake enough for this shit.

 

9:28am

There is coffee, and Clint remembers where they're going that day, so he cheers up a bit.

 

10:10am

They leave the hotel for Frontier City Theme Park. Bruce is driving. Tony wanted to drive, but considering how hyper he was, the group vetoed that decision.

 

10:16am

Tony has to be reminded to keep his seat belt on and to not jump out of his seat. He's shaking his leg, and Matt swears the entire van shakes as well.

 

10:28am

They arrive at Frontier City Theme Park

 

10:30am

Tony spends two minutes arguing with the clerk about whether Steve counted as a senior citizen or not before Steve takes pity on him and pulls out his military ID, which allows him an even greater discount than a senior ticket.

 

10:32am

Tony scowls at Steve, and moves on to arguing about handicap admission for Clint and Matt.

 

10:35am

Steve thinks that for someone so rich, Tony seems awfully determined to save money.

 

10:37am

After successfully arguing his case, Tony tells him it's the principle of it.

He adds that he's already given a donation to the park.

 

10:40am

Once inside the park, they break up into pairs.

Since neither Matt or Bruce intend on going on roller coasters, they pair off. Clint and Natasha intend to go on all the roller coasters together, and also pair off. This leaves Steve with Tony.

“Ready for some rides?” Steve asks him.

“I was born ready Capsicle. Did they even have rides back in your day?”

“Of course they did. Bucky made me go on the Cyclone at Coney Island. I threw up,” he admits. “But that was, you know, before.”

“What you're trying to tell me is that the serum made you roller coaster proof?”

Steve grins. “I guess we'll have to find out, won't we?”

Tony raises an eyebrow. “A challenge, huh?”

 

11:02am

Everyone's morning is filled with rides, lines, ridiculously expensive and unhealthy snacks, and games.

 

1:02pm

They meet up for lunch and to share how their morning went.

 

“We went on the Diamondback three times,” Clint says proudly. “And on the last time I didn't scream.”

“Doesn't that one send you backwards?” Bruce asks.

Clint nods.

“Nice,” he says. “Matt and I stuck to the calmer ones, merry go round, Ferris wheel.”

“I played the Quick Draw thing,” Matt says. “I was awful.”

Bruce snorts. “He chose the one thing that has to do with vision.”

“Not the only thing,” he defends.

“The one where vision mattered the most,” Bruce corrects.

“I also drove a really old car around a course.”

“It was on a track.”

“Stop ruining things for me!” Matt bellows.

“He did drive the bumper cars,” Bruce says to appease him.

Matt smiles, looking pleased with himself. “Yes. Yes I did.”

“He spent the whole time running into a pole and thinking it was another car.”

“I did not!”

“No,” Bruce agreed. “He didn't. I'm just kidding. He still wasn't great at it though.”

“Like you were any better.”

Steve chimes in, in an attempt to stop the fighting. “Tony and I went on a roller coaster where we were suspended. I was sure my shoes were going to fall off. And we went on one where we were in birds.”

“Matt and I did that,” Bruce chimes in. “It was fun.”

“We'll have to try it,” Clint says, looking at Natasha hopefully.

She sighs. “Fine.”

“I think we're going to do a couple more things, then head to the water rides and splash pad,” Steve says.

“Sounds good,” Natasha agrees. “Apparently Clint and I have to go pretend to be birds, and then there's only two more rides I want to go on.”

Clint pales. “Nat, no-”

“Yes,” she cuts him off.

Clint swallows hard. “Fine.”

“You going to take him on the super crazy roller coaster?” Matt asks her.

“You bet,” she says, grinning, right before she shoves a handful of Clint's fries in her face. She chews before speaking again. “Still gonna drag him on the Brain Drain and the Silver Bullet.”

Clint moans, and Natasha uses the opportunity to steal another handful of his remaining fries.

 

1:39pm

Clint is still groaning about the upcoming ride he's being dragged on as Natasha leads him off.

Bruce and Matt have apparently both finished with rides, and they're going to change into their swim suits.

Steve has his eye on one of the tamer roller coasters, and is determined to ride it, with or without Tony.

“Are you coming?” he asks. Tony's reading the sign for the Wildcat. “I'm pretty sure you're tall enough.”

“Of course I am,” Tony says, rolling his eyes. “I'm just making sure it won't kill me. Heart condition, remember?”

He gestures to the arc reactor, which is hidden under a dark coloured shirt for a band that Steve doesn't recognize. “Will it?” he asks.

“Nope. Let's get in line.”

 

2:11pm

Steve may be an Avenger, and he may have ziplined onto a moving train and crashed a plane into the arctic, but that didn't mean he was prepared for roller coasters.

Still, he liked it.

Tony seems similarly stunned and exhilarated.

Steve grins at him. “Again?” he asks.

“God no. Let's check out the splash pad. I heard there are water slides.”

 

2:47pm

The slides are definitely geared more towards children, but they're still fun.

By the time Clint and Natasha show up, fresh off one of the more frightening roller coasters if Clint's face is anything to go by, Steve has tried half of them.

“How did it go?” he calls to Natasha, who is wearing a bikini, the scar on her stomach negligible.

She grins. “He didn't throw up, if that's what you're asking.”

Steve shrugs. “Mainly.”

Clint is wearing purple swimming trunks and his face is pale. He collapses into one of the beach chairs along the outside of the splash pad and slumps over.

“I think he may need a while,” she admits.

Steve has to agree.

“Where are the others?” she asks, scanning the area.

“Matt went with Bruce somewhere, and Tony is... around.”

Matt's swim trunks were bright red, and Bruce's were green. Tony's, of course, had Iron Man symbols on them, and he also wore a swim shirt to cover the arc reactor.

Steve's swimming trunks were given to him by Tony, probably as a joke, but he still wore them with pride.

“You are the epitome of America,” she tells him, eyeing his star spangled shorts.

He shrugs. “I know.”

She walks backwards underneath a dumping bucket, and is soaked within seconds.

 

3:06pm

Clint has recovered enough, and has joined them in the water.

He becomes soaked within seconds.

 

4:11pm

Clint is very good with the water shooters, and has made it his mission to spray every one of the Avengers.

Also any of the dicks who are smoking in the areas not designated as smoking areas.

“Whoops,” he says loudly, every time he extinguishes a cigarette or gets one of them wet.

 

5:18pm

Tony and Clint have gone to get some food, since they were complaining about being hungry. Natasha has taken a break, and is lying on her towel in the sun.

Matt is splashing in a shallow spot, his cane on a chair next to Natasha, and his sunglasses still on his face. He looks peaceful.

Bruce is in line for another water slide. They're tame, and that makes them perfect for him.

Steve is under a bucket that dumps on him twice a minute. The water is cool and the sun is warm and every time he gets the water out of his eyes the bucket tips again. It's great.

 

5:33pm

Everyone has gathered to eat the bucket of chicken nuggets and french fries that Tony and Clint brought back.

 

6:11pm

Clint has started a game of water tag, which Steve is sure will get them in trouble with the life guards.

Still, it's hilarious to watch Matt hide behind structures and use the element of surprise (AKA splashing water at people) to get away.

Clint tags Tony, who tags Bruce, who tags Natasha, who is the one to finally get Matt.

 

6:33pm

Matt is hopeless at being It. Steve takes pity on him and splashes Matt at close range, allowing him to tag Steve.

 

6:41pm

Steve tags everyone at the same time and declares himself the king of tag.

 

6:52pm

They start getting dried off and ready to go back to the hotel.

 

7:05pm

The splash pad closes at 7, and when everyone has finally dried off and changes, it's after that.

They begin the long walk back through the park and to their van.

 

7:31pm

They reach the hotel and everyone is exhausted.

At least everyone gets their own room this time. No one is really sure why Tony booked different number of rooms for the different hotels, but none of them have the energy to ask.

 

8:07pm

Tony tries to invite everyone over to his room to watch a movie, but no one has the energy. Instead they all spend quiet time on their own laptops, in their own rooms.

And yeah, most of them watch movies, but that's not the point.

 

11:26pm

Everyone has fallen asleep.


	8. Day 7

7:11am

Steve ensures everyone is awake, because he is determined to be leaving by 8. Considering they left the hotel yesterday at the same time, he expects this to be more difficult, because of the sleep debt. He feels fine, having slept five whole hours the night before. (He doesn't need as much sleep as the others do.)

 

7:12am

He drags Tony out of bed first. Literally.

 

7:13am

Steve stands outside the other rooms containing Avengers and loudly announces that there is a breakfast included, and if they didn't hurry, Tony would drink all the coffee.

This is an exaggeration, since Steve left Tony sitting at a table in a semi-conscious position. His coffee likely wouldn't kick in for another ten minutes.

 

7:14am

Steve gets a knife thrown at him for his troubles.

 

7:16am

Steve gets a billy club thrown at him for his troubles.

 

7:18am

Steve retrieves his shield from the van.

 

7:23am

Everyone is seated at the breakfast table, in varying states of consciousness and undress.

Steve looks rather pleased with himself. Clint looks like he wants to cry. Natasha managed to get dressed and do her hair in less than four minutes. Bruce is secretly impressed.

 

7:25am

Steve lets Clint drink directly from the coffee pot. It's something that's just going to have to happen.

Bruce is the only other one remotely awake.

 

7:26am

Matt is possibly sleeping behind his sunglasses, but no one wants to check.

 

7:27am

Matt's head dips into his cereal bowl. He was definitely sleeping.

Tony finds this hilarious, and manages to wake up enough to take the coffee pot from Clint and pour himself another cup.

 

7:34am

Most of the people who are conscious are finished eating. Steve has given up on making sure the others are fed, and instead grabs muffins and bananas for later.

 

7:54am

Steve's bags are packed and in the van again. Everyone else is struggling with theirs except Natasha, who is done, but still hiding in her room until the last minute. No one blames her.

 

7:59am

Everyone and their bags are in the car. Steve is in the driver's seat, because it is irresponsible to have sleeping drivers.

Bruce is in the front, Natasha and Clint are in the middle, and Tony and Matt are in the back. At least three of them are asleep.

 

8:01am

They set off for their next destination, which is actually only a few minutes away, so Steve hopes they enjoy their naps while they last.

 

8:13am

They arrive at the Disney store.

Clint perks up when he hears they have Hawkeye merchandise.

 

8:15am

Everyone is now awake, as Tony yelled to be let out when he heard where they are. His coffee is kicking in.

 

8:23am

Matt is a bit sad to hear there is no Daredevil merchandise, but Steve assures him it's only because his secret identity was only recently revealed. He makes a mental note to have a talk with Coulson about it.

 

8:27am

The Disney store employees are thrilled to realize who is in their store. The next few minutes are spent taking pictures and signing autographs.

 

8:31am

Bruce tries to talk Tony out of buying Iron Man pyjamas that are meant for children.

 

8:33am

Natasha tries to talk Clint out of buying a toy Hawkeye arrow set.

 

8:37am

Bruce succeeds with Tony, who is now muttering about making clothing options for adults.

Natasha also succeeds with Clint, who has been reminded his actual bow and arrow are still in the van, and he does not need _another_ toy set.

 

8:39am

Bruce purchases a Hulk mug.

 

8:40am

Natasha purchases a pair of Hulk fists.

 

8:41am

They say their farewells to the store employees and pile back in their van. They're headed for Albuquerque.

 

8:58am

Tony complains about being hungry. Steve throws a banana at him without looking, and is pleased to find out he managed to hit Tony right in the shoulder.

Tony vows revenge.

 

9:13am

Tony's coffee is wearing off. Steve is confident the revenge he has sworn will be forgotten.

 

9:16am

Tony is asleep.

 

9:34am

Steve is pretty sure everyone is asleep except for him. Or they're faking it.

He really doesn't care, and merely turns the radio up slightly louder.

 

9:42am

Matt's hand reaches out from the ball he's rolled himself in and returns the volume to the previous level.

Steve is fairly certain he's still asleep.

 

10:15am

Everyone is still quiet. Steve is enjoying driving through the countryside without breaking up bickering superheroes.

 

10:52am

Tony is talking in his sleep, saying something about artificial intelligence. Steve hopes he isn't sleep programming again.

 

11:04am

Clint tries to roll over in his seat and nearly falls out. He startles himself awake for a moment and then falls back asleep.

Natasha smirks at this, since she is awake and reading a book. Tony, Bruce, and Matt are probably all still asleep.

 

11:07am

Matt is apparently not asleep, because he turns to glare at Steve after he turns up the volume when a song he recognizes comes on the radio.

“Sorry,” he apologizes.

“I'm mostly kidding,” Matt grins.

Steve considers him and grins back.

 

11:16am

Tony wakes up abruptly, shouting something about robots and bedtimes.

Bruce wakes up as well, and Steve crosses his fingers it isn't enough of a shock to make him go green.

 

11:18am

Bruce is still normal coloured, and is patiently listening to Tony explain why robots need bedtimes, and why he woke up shouting that. Steve thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, and so does Matt, if the face he's making is anything to go by. Of course, Steve is fairly certain Matt harbours a deep resentment for robots, or at least a distrust of them. Steve gets that.

 

11:33am

Clint stirs again, but still doesn't seem to be getting up. Natasha is still reading, Bruce and Tony are talking about science in the very back, and Steve and Matt are discussing the sounds of records over modern music technology.

 

11:49am

Clint is awake, blinking around the van blearily like he forgot where he was. Which makes sense, considering he's been asleep for more than two hours, and they've travelled pretty far in that time. Across state lines, actually.

 

11:53am

Clint is bored.

 

11:56am

Natasha has switched books, and is now reading aloud for the sake of everyone. She's chosen Harry Potter, which Steve hasn't gotten around to reading yet, but has heard a lot about.

 

12:30pm

Matt stops Natasha for a few minutes so he can rant about the state of wizard social services, because clearly Harry should not have been placed in a home with such abusive caregivers. Clint wonders if muggle social services could have done anything about it, and that leads to a ten minute discussion about the division between the magical and muggle world in Harry's life.

Steve is very lost during the discussion, and just wants to hear about what all the owls are doing.

 

12:41pm

Natasha resumes reading.

 

12:55pm

Clint complains he is hungry. Steve reminds him that he should have had breakfast instead of sleeping though it and drinking a whole pot of coffee. Natasha glares at him, and tells him she does not appreciate being interrupted while reading.

 

1:14pm

Natasha takes a break from reading when she finishes the chapter she's on, and Clint takes that opportunity to complain again about being hungry.

Bruce adds that he could eat.

“Tony, find the next town with a good place to eat.”

Clint mutters about why Bruce's needs are more important that his own.

No one responds.

 

1:17pm

Matt takes advantaged of the break in reading to start a discussion about the lack of representation in the Harry Potter books. Namely, the lack of disabled or queer characters.

“Or both even,” he adds.

“What about Lupin?” Tony offers. “It's sort of a magical disability, turning into a werewolf.”

Steve has no clue who Lupin is, but thinks his name is a clever play on words.

“Definitely ostracized because of it,” Natasha responds. “Kind of like back when HIV and AIDS were first around, when people were fired because of having it. Both blood borne.”

“Okay, so that's one, and we're not even going to talk about the issues there, but what about others? Name five characters who are disabled.”

“Moody,” Bruce starts.

“Dumbledore, after his hand incident,” Tony adds. “So he's disabled and queer.”

“Dumbledore?” Steve asks.

Natasha groans. “Guys, spoilers. He doesn't know who half these characters are, we can't just talk about them in front of Steve.”

Matt apologizes for bringing the subject up, and promises they will discuss it after Steve has read all the books.

 

1:24pm

Tony announces that he forgot to look up somewhere to eat, but that there's a town in about twenty minutes that should have a restaurant.

Clint whines again.

 

1:27pm

Natasha reads a bit more of the book until they get to town, mostly to shut Clint up.

 

1:42pm

They arrive in Amarillo, where they stop for food, because Natasha was about ready to kill Clint for his whining. She reminds him that if he doesn't wake up for breakfast, it's not her fault she's hungry. Clint points out that he did eat breakfast.

Matt reminds him that drinking an entire pot of coffee doesn't count as eating.

Clint has no response to that.

 

1:44pm

They locate an Applebee's, which everyone agrees would be fine.

 

1:48pm

They are seated in the Applebee's. Steve reminds everyone of the ground rules, which include no alcoholic beverages, and no ordering solely dessert. Matt asks the server for a braille menu, and Clint complains about Steve infringing on his rights.

 

1:52pm

Clint has an appetizer and is no longer complaining. Everyone is grateful.

 

2:07pm

Everyone has food and is happily eating.

 

2:39pm

Almost everyone is finished eating, and is content about it.

 

2:45pm

Tony pays the check and leaves a generous tip.

 

2:47pm

Matt wants dessert. Everyone agrees.

Tony locates a nearby gelato place and they all pile back in the van.

 

2:55pm

They skid into the parking lot. Steve thinks Natasha probably shouldn't drive anymore if it isn't an emergency.

 

2:57pm

Clint is loudly reading the menu to Matt. Very loudly.

 

2:59pm

Everyone has settled on a flavour.

 

3:02pm

Everyone has received their gelato and is happily eating it.

 

3:06pm

Everyone is sharing everyone else's gelato. Some are more displeased about this than others.

 

3:14pm

Natasha has fought everyone off with her spoon, as she does not want to share her strawberry lemonade gelato. Steve, who managed to get a tiny bite, doesn't blame her. It's delicious. Out of all the flavours he's sampled, including Clint's mocha flavoured, he thinks he likes Natasha's the best.

But he's still happy with his black cherry.

 

3:19pm

Steve has finished his gelato and is waiting for everyone else to finish. Tony keeps trying to steal Bruce's, and Matt is chasing his around the bowl.

 

3:24pm

The van is loaded up again. Natasha is not driving, as it is not an emergency. She has claimed shotgun next to Clint.

 

3:33pm

They shouldn't have let Clint drive, because he spotted a Target and had to stop.

“It's practically asking me to shoot it,” he says, grabbing his bow out of the back.

 

3:34pm

Steve convinces him not to shoot the Target sign until they finish shopping.

He tells everyone to grab snacks and anything else they may need, because they won't be stopping for dinner, or anywhere else before they get to Albuquerque.

He sets a countdown of half an hour and lets them loose.

Steve keeps Clint's bow.

 

3:35pm

Natasha splits them up into teams to get the most done. She sends Bruce and Matt together, because they're the most practical, and will get essential snack foods. She will go with Clint, because otherwise he will only get coffee and frozen pizza. She tells Tony not to break anything.

 

3:37pm

Steve resigns himself to following Tony around the store.

Also, he needs another hat.

 

3:40pm

Surprisingly, Tony heads straight to the clothes, and picks up socks and underwear.

Steve picks himself up a new hat while they're there.

 

3:43pm

Unsurprisingly, Tony's second stop is to the electronics section. Steve is fairly certain he's looking for things to strip down for parts, since he brought everything along that he could possibly need.

 

3:52pm

Steve spends the next little while following Tony around the electronics section, hoping that Tony doesn't spot him. Tony does get in a heated debate with a teenaged employee about the merits of Stark Tech over Apple products. Steve is a bit surprised the kid doesn't recognize the Stark behind Stark Tech, but seeing as how Tony is wearing a floppy hat, sunglasses, and a ridiculous oversized shirt, Steve kind of gets it.

 

3:59pm

Steve is glad the teenager saw the error of his ways and agreed with Tony before he had to step in and break up the discussion. Tony's basket is reaching capacity, and Steve hopes he's almost done, since they only have a few more minutes before they need to meet up.

 

4:02pm

Steve forgot to consider that Target might sell bows and arrows.

Which this one did.

 

4:03pm

Steve spends a minute debating whether to apologize, or pretend it never happened.

 

4:04pm

It was only a children's bow.

 

4:05pm

No one was hurt.

 

4:06pm

And Clint only punctured a paper sign.

Steve thinks he'll pretend it never happened.

He drags Tony away from the electronics section and pushes him to the checkout.

 

4:07pm

Steve remembers to actually grab snacks on the way out. Chips and salsa should be good.

 

4:10pm

Everyone is back in the van.

Tony will be driving them the rest of the way to Albuquerque, despite Steve's hesitations.

He settles in a middle seat next to Clint. Bruce and Natasha are in the back. Matt somehow manages to snag shotgun for the second time that day.

 

4:12pm

Everyone has snacks and is entertained.

 

4:27pm

Tony claims he's hungry.

Steve sighs.

“You're hungry because you spent the entire time getting electronics to take apart.”

“Yeah. So? What did you do? You spent most of the time following me around.” He scoffs. “Like I didn't notice. You're supposed to be a spy?”

“Not a spy,” Steve grumbles.

He passes Tony his bag of tortilla chips anyway.

 

In the passenger seat, Matt is eating a salad.

Steve is happy at least someone is making healthy choices, since he's pretty sure Bruce and Natasha are consuming a carton of ice cream.

He wonders if they'll share.

 

4:39pm

Bruce breaks the silence that has lasted for more than ten minutes.

“The ice cream is melting, and we can't eat it all. Does anyone else want some?”

Clint nearly throws himself into the back seat at the offer. Steve accepts a spoon from Natasha with a smile.

In the front, Tony might be crying.

Steve will make sure there's some left for him.

 

4:44pm

Tony claims he wasn't crying. He was just... really enthusiastic about ice cream.

Steve doesn't comment, just passes him a spoon and the bucket.

 

4:45pm

Steve threatens to take the ice cream away if Tony takes both hands off the wheel again.

Tony protests that Matt can steer for a few minutes while he's busy.

“He's _blind,_ ” Steve hisses.

“Yeah, but not normal blind. He drives all the time.”

“Terribly,” Natasha adds from the back.

Matt scowls. “I can't read road signs or see traffic lights. I can avoid oncoming traffic though, thank you.”

 

4:47pm

Steve is very glad there was only a little bit of ice cream left, since Matt steering while Tony ate definitely took a few years off his life.

 

5:01pm

Natasha resumes reading Harry Potter, and everyone settles in for another few hours of driving.

 

5:51pm

As Steve is the only one who doesn't know about Harry Potter, Tony vows as soon as he finishes reading, they will go to the Wizarding World in Florida. Clint says if they're going to Florida, they might as well go to Disney World as well.

Tony ignores him, but Steve thinks it could be a good idea.

 

6:31pm

Natasha takes a break from reading, and Tony takes the opportunity to ask the others what house they think they'd be in.

Natasha grins. “Slytherin, definitely.”

“I can see that,” Tony agrees. “I think I would be Ravenclaw.”

“Not Gryffindor?” Clint asks.

Tony shakes his head. “I think I value knowledge a bit too much.”

Bruce hums. “I think I'd be Ravenclaw too.”

“What about you Clint?” Tony asks.

“Hufflepuff. We're excellent finders.”

Tony and Natasha snicker at that. Steve doesn't understand the joke. It could be a movie thing.

“Matt?” Tony asks.

Matt tilts his head. “Gryffindor or Hufflepuff I think.”

Natasha nods. “It could go either way. Steve?” he asks.

“Oh, that's easy,” Clint butts in. “He's definitely a Gryffindor.”

Steve frowns. “Are you sure?”

“Oh yeah,” Tony agrees. “Stupidly brave and loyal.”

“Thanks? I think.”

“Thor would also be Gryffindor,” Tony continues. “Sam too probably. I dunno about your robotic friend Cap. He doesn't really talk to us much, so I don't know him very well.”

“No,” Natasha corrects. “He just really doesn't talk to you because you look at him like you want to open him up and see what's inside.”

“Just his arm,” Tony protests.

“Point made,” Bruce mutters.

 

6:44pm

Natasha resumes reading.

Steve is fairly certain Bucky would put himself in Slytherin, mostly because he'd think that's where the bad people went, and Bucky still thinks of himself as a bad person.

Steve thinks it could be accurate for reasons other than that. Bucky is loyal, cunning, and intelligent.

He's not as sure Bucky will appreciate the sentiment. Slytherin, with their trademark snake, may be too close to Hydra for his liking.

 

6:47pm

Steve realizes Bucky probably hasn't read the books or seen the movies either, and vows to fix that when he gets home. (Provided there's nothing too awful in them that could set him off.)

 

7:14pm

Steve interrupts Natasha's reading to announce he really doesn't like Snape. Natasha takes a moment to mutter something about childish crushes before continuing. Steve assumes he'll understand eventually.

 

7:47pm

Tony declares he is bored of driving and wants to let Matt drive the rest of the way.

Matt can apparently tell he's kidding from the way his heartbeat changes, but everyone else panics for a minute.

Bruce tells him it wasn't funny, and looks almost angry about it.

 

8:31pm

They arrive at the hotel. Tony has managed to reserve three rooms, each with two beds.

Steve splits them up this time, leaving no room for arguments. He puts Natasha and Matt together, Bruce and Tony together, which leaves him with Clint.

 

8:42pm

Natasha and Matt are having a heated discussion about how much of a dick Snape was. They both know what it's like to have adults in their lives who they lived in terror of, and neither of them can forgive Snape for what he did to Neville, amongst others.

 

9:13pm

Natasha thinks Matt could also make it as a Slytherin. She doesn't tell him this.

 

9:32pm

Tony manages to call everyone at the same time to tell them he's gotten a copy of a movie for everyone to watch, complete with subtitles for Clint and descriptive audio with headphones for Matt.

Everyone piles into his and Bruce's room, mostly because they don't have anything better to do.

 

9:37pm

The movie turns out to be a really terrible Sherlock Holmes movie, complete with dinosaurs.

“It's so bad that it's good,” he insists.

 

10:02pm

Matt is crying over the descriptive video.

He makes Tony pause it.

“You know what it just said?” he says through the tears. “It said 'Holmes and Watson run through brush, probably in someone's backyard, pursued by a dinosaur that isn't even shown'.”

He howls with laughter amongst the tears.

Tony grins. “Jarvis might have helped me with it.”

“It's perfect,” Matt manages to say.

Tony plays the movie again.

 

10:24pm

Natasha makes Tony pause it again. “That is the worst fake dinosaur I've ever seen. What year was this movie made?”

Tony mumbles something.

“Again Tony.”

“2010.”

“Okay, if this was made in the eighties or something, sure, I'd get it, but only a few years ago? No. This is the worst. Play it,” she ordered.

 

11:24pm

The movie has come to an end, and everyone is left speechless.

Matt regains his voice first. “That is without a doubt, the worst movie I've never seen, and Foggy made me listen to Sharknado.”

“So bad it was good?” Tony asks hopefully.

Matt throws a pillow at him in response.

 

11:37pm

The pillow fight has come to an end after Bruce threatened to get angry. Matt was sure he was mostly lying, but wasn't willing to bet on it. Everyone heads back to their own room, and Steve reminds them they have another early morning ahead of them.

 

11:44pm

Matt receives a text from Tony informing him that Sharknado was made by the same film company.

Matt laughs for about five minutes. Natasha is trying not to smile too hard, since she overheard the message.

 


	9. Day 8

7:02am

Surprisingly, Clint is the first one up, and wakes everyone else using nerf arrows. No one appreciates this. Still it gets them up, and gives them time to eat.

 

7:34am

Matt is the last one up and into the dining room today. Tony ponders whether it had anything to do with him sharing a room with Natasha. He doesn't say this out loud, but wonders if perhaps he thought it too loudly, since Natasha seems to be glaring at him.

 

7:42am

Steve is struggling with the ever growing task of packing their luggage back into the van. With yesterday's visit to Target, they have acquired even more stuff.

 

8:01am

They leave the hotel. Steve takes up his position in the driver's seat, since no one else seems inclined to.

 

8:34am

Natasha reads some more Harry Potter.

 

9:13am

A brief discussion breaks out about what each of them would see in the mirror of Erised.

Tony was the one who brought the subject up, and goes silent when he realizes Matt wouldn't be able to look into the mirror.

“I think,” Matt says thoughtfully. “That I would be able to see. I would be able to see myself with my father. I think that's what I desire most, and the mirror, being magic, would be able to grant that for me.”

 

Natasha does not know what she would see, and she is afraid of what she would find out about herself.

Bruce thinks he would see only himself, no hint of otherness behind his eyes.

Tony is not sure which of his desires is his most desperate. He has too many things he has wished for, too many people he has lost to think that there would be one easy answer.

Steve thinks that he might look into the mirror and see a life he could have had. But he also feels something like fear, deep in his belly, at the thought of losing all that he has now.

Clint is pretty sure he would see himself sleeping with Lucky, somewhere quiet with no tracksuit mobsters where the coffee pot was always full.

 

Natasha resumes reading, after it becomes clear no one besides Matt is going to share.

 

10:24am

Natasha claims her voice is getting tired, and announces she is taking a break from reading.

Tony immediately announces he is bored,

 

10:32am

“New game,” Steve says. “A memory one. You know how you do those games where you go on a picnic or something, and you go around and everyone adds something, and then you continue?”

“Oh yeah,” Tony replies. “I'll go first. Phil Coulson went on a mission and all he brought was paperwork.”

Clint groans. “Seriously? You know that he's somehow going to know that we did this.”

“Woman up,” Natasha orders him. “I'll go. Coulson went on a mission and all he brought was paperwork and Bambino.”

“I was going to use that,” Clint complains.

“Too bad. You're next.”

“Coulson went on a mission and all he brought was paperwork, Bambino, and Lola.”

“Nice,” Natasha complimented. “Bruce.”

“Coulson went on a mission,” he dutifully repeats, “and all he brought was paperwork, Bambino, Lola, and trading cards.”

Matt chimes in next. “Coulson went on a mission and all he brought was paperwork, Bambino, Lola, trading cards, and his taser.”

Everyone looks at Steve expectantly. He sighs. “This was not what I had in mind. Coulson went on a mission and all he brought was paperwork, Bambino, Lola, trading cards, his taser, and the helicarrier.”

“What else could he possibly need?” Natasha comments.

They continue, Tony then Natasha, Clint then Bruce, Matt and then back to Steve. They get around to Bruce again before stopping, and in the end, Coulson's mission tools include a cat, a dozen arrows, powdered donuts, a magic crystal, and a life model decoy, amongst other equally ridiculous things.

 

Steve hopes Coulson hadn't wired the van up for surveillance before they left.

 

11:29am

Tony complains of being bored again. Natasha returns to reading Harry Potter, which everyone seems to enjoy.

 

12:01pm

Tony interrupts Natasha to ask when they'll be stopping for lunch.

Steve reminds him of the itinerary.

Tony doesn't respond to that.

 

12:05pm

Tony asks when they'll be stopping for lunch.

Steve sighs and tells him in about an hour, when they get to Flagstaff, and that there are plenty of snacks that maybe he should help himself to.

Natasha resumes reading.

 

1:05pm

Tony interrupts Natasha again (she looks murderous) to inform Steve it has been an hour, and why aren't they there yet.

Steve grits his teeth and vows not to throw Tony into the Grand Canyon, for the sole reason that he would just call his suit and fly back up.

“Soon,” he tells Tony. He hopes it's true.

 

1:28pm

They finally arrive in Flagstaff, their last stop before the Grand Canyon. Tony declares he's starving. It's Bruce's turn to choose food, but he hasn't quite decided yet.

Tony informs him if he doesn't decide soon, he will just pick the most expensive place.

Unsurprisingly, no one has a problem with this.

 

1:30pm

Thor is there. Somehow.

Thor is... _there._

 

“Hello friends!” he says, booming loudly and embracing half of them in a hug at once. The others scurry out of his reach. He looks slighted. “I heard that you were voyaging to the Large Canyon, and I wished to accompany you.”

“Grand Canyon,” Natasha corrects him, only looking slightly perturbed that he managed to figure out where they were, then arrive there.

“Of course,” he corrects. He beams again. “How has your trip been?”

No one says anything.

“Umm...” Matt begins.

“Interesting,” Clint finishes.

Thor nods, like it makes sense. It mostly does.

Tony asks first. “Thor, how did you find us. And get here?”

“That would be me,” Sam chirps, appearing from behind a mini-van. Steve pales.

“Sam, what have you done with-” he begins to ask, but it isn't all the way out of his mouth before Bucky appears next to him.

“I'm right here,” he smirks. “You think I'd let you see the Grand Canyon without me?”

Steve makes a strangled sound that is somewhere between a sigh and a laugh. “How did you get here?”

Sam answers that. “You know how much easier it is to get from New York to here if you go in a straight line? Yeah, we did that.”

“Are we going to the Garden of Olives?” Thor asks. “I hear they have an abundance of breadsticks.” He beams.

Bucky smirks. Sam looks hopeful.

Everyone else looks to Tony.

“Aw, hell, why not. Come on big guy, let's get you some breadsticks.”

 

1:34pm

They definitely frighten the server at the Olive Garden.

Thor beams and demands breadsticks.

Steve smiles and apologizes.

 

1:38pm

Thor is wondering why the food is taking so long. Sam points out they ordered less than a minute ago.

This information appeases Thor, who returns to eating breadsticks.

Clint is looking at the empty bowl sadly.

 

1:41pm

Given that only Bucky and Matt have managed to snag a breadstick away from Thor, Steve bans him from taking any from the next basket to ensure other people get a chance to eat.

 

1:59pm

Everyone else has had a breadstick or two, and Steve lifts Thor's ban. Natasha points out he should leave room for the meal, and Thor proclaims he is still ravenous.

Matt looks a little sick at the thought of how much bread Thor has eaten, and still plans to.

 

2:06pm

Everyone's food arrives. The next few minutes are filled with blessed silence as everyone has something to eat. Anyone attempting to speak with food in their mouth is given a stern look by Sam.

 

2:37pm

Most of them are finished eating. Natasha, Clint, Sam, and Matt request boxes to pack up the remainder of their meal, but the others have finished theirs.

Except Tony. Tony has constructed a model of his Malibu house out of the remains of his pasta. Everyone is secretly impressed, although Thor is saddened at the waste of food.

 

2:49pm

Everyone is ready to leave except Thor, who is still eating breadsticks.

Matt says the staff is discussing whether to charge them more or not because of the sheer amount of bread Thor consumed.

Tony says he'd be happy to pay if it meant they could finally go see the Grand Canyon.

 

2:51pm

Matt says they've decided because they are Avengers, that they won't be charged extra, as long as they get a photo to hang up in the restaurant. A moment later, the manager comes out and tells them this.

Steve agrees that everyone will be in the picture except for Bucky, whose official status still isn't public.

Also he's not sure if Bucky is allowed to leave New York or not, and he doesn't want photographic evidence he left.

 

2:58pm

They manage to finally pay the bill and drag Thor away from the table, where he is protesting he's still able to eat more breadsticks.

 

3:01pm

Now with the choice of two vans, Steve realizes he doesn't have to go with Tony any more.

 

3:02pm

Steve realizes he should probably still go with Tony because someone needs to be a responsible adult, and he honestly isn't sure if anyone else can. Except Sam of course.

 

3:06pm

Seating arrangements are decided. Steve, Tony, Bucky, and Sam will go in one van, and the other van will consist of Bruce, Natasha, Clint, Thor, and Matt.

 

3:07pm

Apparently seating arrangements were not decided actually, as Tony seems to want to drive. Both Sam and Steve refuse.

Tony sulks and calls shotgun, which is fine with everyone but Sam, who will be driving.

Bucky and Steve think they'll sit in the very back of the van.

 

3:09pm

Bucky and Steve do not sit in the very back of the van, because Sam looks like he'll murder them if they do.

They sit in the middle and set off.

 

3:10pm

The other van has made more progress, only because Natasha ordered people where to sit, and people were either too tired or too scared to argue. Thor seems to be neither, and is genuinely happy to sit wherever he is told.

 

3:11pm

In the second van, Bruce is driving, Natasha has shotgun, Thor is in the middle, and Matt and Clint are in the back. Thor isn't sure which conversation to participate in, and is swivelling his head back and forth like he's watching a tennis match.

Matt thinks it's going to be a long journey.

 

3:13pm

They set off for the Grand Canyon, Bruce's van in the lead, followed by Sam's van.

 

3:24pm

Sam and Bucky catch Steve and Tony up on how their part of the journey went.

 

“Thor kept braiding my hair,” Bucky sighs. “It looked so awesome.”

“He's right,” Sam agrees.

“It's just not good for my image,” Bucky continues. Tony snickers in the front seat. Bucky glares at him. “I'm a weapon,” he tells Tony seriously, glaring at him.

The point is somewhat ruined as they all picture him with braids.

 

3:27pm

Thor tells the other van how he spent much of the journey braiding James' hair, and how majestic he looked.

Clint snickers for five whole minutes. Matt times it.

 

3:32pm

Clint finally recovers enough to ask Thor if he also did Bucky's makeup or if they painted each other's nails.

Thor lights up with these suggestions, and Natasha has to explain that Clint was joking. Mostly.

She thinks Bucky with nail polish would be the best thing ever. Well, second best. Next to him with his hair in braids. Both at the same time would be priceless.

 

3:35pm

Tony wonders if they should have a slumber party once they get to his house. He thinks he has enough nail polish to go around.

Bucky throws a pillow at him. Steve's not even sure where he got a pillow from.

Tony shuts up.

 

3:42pm

Natasha notes that Bruce seems fed up with driving, even though the traffic is light and the road is straight. It probably has more to do with Thor's dual conversations with both the front and back seats.

 

Bruce _is_ tired of driving, and briefly entertains the idea of switching out with someone else, but no one else is really suitable to drive.

He's not even sure if Thor can drive.

He keeps going.

 

Natasha makes Thor use his indoor voice.

Bruce is very grateful for it.

 

3:58pm

Tony calls the other van because he has a science question for Bruce to answer.

Natasha confiscates the phone because Tony talking about science makes Bruce twitchy like he wants to write things down. Everyone agrees that it's best if he doesn't do that while driving.

 

4:01pm

Tony subjects the occupants of his van to a rant on something none of them understand. They all nod at times they feel are appropriate.

 

4:16pm

Tony is still talking, and Steve thinks that Tony would be better off in the other van, if only for the sole reason that Bucky would have a much harder time trying to kill him there.

 

4:19pm

Tony has stopped talking after Sam threatened to only play operatic country music. Tony argued it doesn't exist. Sam asked him if he really wanted to find out.

After Tony quiets, Sam puts on jazz.

 

4:27pm

Tony changes the station to an old rock channel. No one fights him.

 

4:42pm

They arrive at the Grand Canyon. Everyone is still alive.

No one knows how long that will last for.

 

5:01pm

They decide to take a hike from the visitor's centre down Rim Trail towards Yaki point. It's not supposed to take more than an hour, and if they get tired, they can take a shuttle bus back.

They set off, with the sun low in the sky, casting long shadows in orange light.

 

5:16pm

The Grand Canyon is gorgeous, of course. Tony hasn't seen it up close before. He's flown over it, but that was too high up to see anything. In fact, the only one out of them who has seen it is Clint, who apparently had a mission in New Mexico not too long ago, and just sort of stopped by. No one mentions that New Mexico is at least four hours away. If they did, Clint would have pointed out that that's by road, and who's saying he went by road.

But no one asks.

They're all too in awe of the pure magnificence that is the Grand Canyon.

 

5:33pm

They pause for a minute at one of the lookouts.

Matt holds a hand out.

“I can't hear the other side,” he says in awe. “I don't think that's ever happened before, that I couldn't sense something because it was so far away. In the city there's always something.”

Steve smiles at him. “It is magnificent,” he agrees. “I wish you could see it.”

Matt smiles back. “Me too.”

 

They stand there for another minute longer before Matt shakes his cane out and moves on down the path, stumbling a little over the uneven ground.

 

5:56pm

They make it to the lookout, and the views keep getting more spectacular.

Matt is dangling his hand over the railing, feeling into the depths of the canyon. Clint is flicking rocks from the railing into the canyon. Natasha's hair is blowing in the wind. While Steve is looking at her, he remembers a poem he read somewhere. _'I want to love, but my hair smells of war and running and running.'_ He thinks that describes Natasha nicely.

Bucky has his hands in his pockets and his hat pulled low on his head. He's looking up into the setting sun, eyes closed, a slight smile on his face.

Tony and Bruce are both studying the horizon intently. Sam is watching Bucky and smiling as well.

Thor is...

Oh god. Thor is taking off. Steve didn't think he'd brought his hammer from the van. Or maybe he hadn't. Maybe he just summoned it, and it's flown miles to get here, possibly through people.

That doesn't matter, because Thor is taking off, and flying over the Grand Canyon.

All he needs is a cape.

 

6:08pm

Tony has to admit, the sight of Thor flying over the grand canyon at sunset is certainly one the tourists won't soon forget. Nor will any of them. Except Matt, who still hasn't seen it. Tony wonders if that's rude to even think.

Still, it would make a fucking _amazing_ postcard. The royalties alone would be enough to keep the Hulk in snacks for years.

 

6:17pm

Thor returns after having flown from one side of the Grand Canyon to the other.

“It's magnificent,” he says, breathless.

 

6:25pm

Thor is now taking turns flying others out above the canyon. He takes Clint first.

“Damn,” Sam says, admiring the view. “I should have brought my wings.”

“Didn't you learn anything from the last vacation?” Natasha asks him, smirking.

He glares at her.

 

6:33pm

Clint is ecstatic when he gets back, and Thor takes Bucky next. Steve is concerned about this, for obvious reasons. What if Bucky freaks out? What if his arm is too much weight for Thor and he loses his grip? What if Bucky decides he likes flying so much that he wants his own pair of wings?

Okay, so the last one isn't that bad, but he's still concerned.

(He still remembers the train like it was yesterday, reaching for someone who was no longer there.)

 

6:40pm

Bucky arrives safely back on the ground, a smile threatening to split his face.

“Fucking amazing,” he beams.

Natasha goes next.

 

6:51pm

Natasha returns, and Thor offers to take Steve next. He declines. So does Matt, who says the view would be wasted on him. Sam would rather fly himself, Tony has already seen it, and also prefers to fly himself. Bruce thinks it would be a bad idea.

Thor shrugs and goes for another lap

 

7:13pm

Matt's phone rings. He seems surprised to have service.

“Hey Foggy,” he greets. Steve doesn't know how he knew who was calling. “We're at the Grand Canyon now. I should be back the day after tomorrow.” He listens. Sighs. “No, I'm not going to fall in, promise.” Listens. “Why would I lie to you about this? Even if there weren't railings everywhere, I can tell enough not to walk towards the giant hole in the earth.”

Listens more. Sighs again. “Fine, don't believe me? Talk to Steve. He'll tell you the same thing.”

A phone is thrust in Steve's direction, and he answers it.

“Hello.”

“Yeah, hi. Listen, is there any risk of him getting hurt?”

“Oh. Um. No? I mean, he could trip and fall, but he's not going to fall into the canyon.”

“So are you watching him?”

Steve eyes Matt, who's definitely listening to both sides of the call.

“I'll make sure he's safe,” he assures Foggy. “You have my word.”

Foggy huffs. “Give me back.”

Matt's hand is already outstretched, waiting for the phone.

“See,” he tells Foggy. “I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'll be back soon. And I know Kirsten is listening, and you can tell her the same thing.”

Matt waits, presumably as Foggy conveys the message. “Okay? Fine? Listen, I think I'm- no- serv- area- but-”

He hangs up.

Matt tilts his head in Steve's direction. “It could have happened. Service is bad here.”

Steve smiles. “I'm not arguing. But we should probably start to head back soon, because the rest of us do need light.”

“It is getting late,” Matt agreed. He tilts his head. “I think Natasha and Clint are about to start throwing things.”

 

7:19pm

Steve breaks up the competition between Nat and Clint about who would be able to hit Thor with a rock first, if he was hovering in the air above the canyon.

“It would have been me, of course,” Clint tells her as consolation. She responds by hitting him in the ear with a tiny stone.

“Ouch,” he hisses, and Natasha looks victorious.

 

7:24pm

They start to head back to the visitor's centre. It's starting to get dark, and Steve assumes that some of them are having difficulty seeing the path.

Matt, of course, does not have this problem, and smirks as he leads the way. Steve and Bucky both have enhanced eyesight, and Steve suspects Clint does as well.

Meanwhile, Tony is muttering something to himself (or Bruce, who isn't listening) about harnessing the light from the arc reactor to be used as a flashlight in emergencies.

 

7:49pm

Clint wonders whether Thor could summon lightning.

“It would light up the sky, even if just for a short bit,” he points out.

“And probably kill someone,” Bruce replies.

Clint pouts.

 

8:11pm

Matt trips over a rough patch on the ground. He falls and skins his knee.

Steve thinks Foggy may actually kill him.

 

8:33pm

They make it back to the visitor's centre, mostly in one piece, except for Matt's skinned knee, which he assures them doesn't hurt.

Even Steve can tell he's lying.

“I've got a first aid kit in my van,” Sam tells him. “I'll get it cleaned up on the way back to the hotel.”

 

8:41pm

Matt arrives at the hotel with a large Avengers bandaid on his knee. It features Hawkeye and Black Widow prominently. He seems very proud of it.

 

8:48pm

They check in to the hotel. This is where things start to get problematic. Tony has booked a suite with two queen beds and a pullout couch, a suite with a king bed and a pullout couch, and a normal room with a queen bed. This is a total of six beds, because he booked it when he thought only six of them would be there.

Now there are nine. Tony tries to book more rooms, but they are out of luck. They'll just have to make do with the rooms they have.

 

Everyone agrees Thor needs his own bed because of his sheer size. One out of six is gone.

Everyone agrees Bucky needs his own bed for PTSD reasons. Two out of six are gone.

Sam and Steve are willing to share, but call dibs on the king sized bed. Bucky can be on the pullout couch in their room. Three out of six beds are gone, with only four people taken care of.

Clint and Natasha will share, but demand their own room. Four out of six beds are gone.

This leaves Matt, Bruce, and Tony with one queen sized bed and a pullout couch between them.

Matt immediately claims the couch, leaving Bruce and Tony to share the bed. They will also be in the same room as Thor, who is on the other queen sized bed.

 

No one thinks the night will go well.

 


	10. Day 9

7:46am

The night went better than expected. As in, no one died, no one fell/was pushed out of bed, and everyone got a decent amount of sleep.

 

That being said, Bucky did have a nightmare that woke up Sam and Steve, and Natasha did beat up Clint in her sleep a little bit, but those were fairly normal occurrences.

 

8:01am

After reading the menu over, Steve decides breakfast would be better if they had it in their rooms, rather than going to the dining room.

He tells everyone to assemble in their room for breakfast, and orders a variety of things, many of which he's never heard of, and charges it to Tony.

 

8:17am

Most of the team arrives at the same time as the food. Clint immediately takes the coffee pot and cradles it in his arms, inhaling deeply.

Matt sniffs at the air as soon as he arrives. “Is that lemon curd? Dibs on whatever it is.”

Steve hands him the plate with the Belgian waffle.

 

8:20am

Clint snags the pancakes, which Steve actually ordered two of, so when Bruce makes sad noises, Steve presents him with another plate.

 

Sam goes for a fruit and yogurt parfait. Tony mostly drinks coffee, but Steve notes he also eats some of Thor's stuffed French toast. Natasha claims the breakfast burrito, Bucky tries the corncakes, and Steve eats the bagel with salmon that he'd had his eye on.

 

Everyone has something to eat, and there is cereal left over for the road, in case someone (Thor) decides they're still hungry.

 

8:54am

Steve sends Tony back to his room to actually put real clothes on. Everyone else is dressed, and most claim to be packed.

 

Shortly after, everyone else dissipates to gather their luggage and meet back at the vans. Steve wonders how to divide everyone up today, or if they will be mature enough to decide on their own.

 

8:57am

Apparently Steve didn't need to worry so much. Bucky has taken the wheel of one van, and Sam and Natasha have already climbed in with him. Steve will go in that van.

Tony is at the wheel of the other van, accompanied by Bruce, Thor, and Clint.

 

Matt looks torn about which van to go in until Natasha climbs out, grabs him, and gently drags him to the van she is in.

 

8:59am

Steve reflects that the term 'taking the wheel' perhaps shouldn't be used when referring to Bucky driving, since he did have the habit of literally taking wheels from cars.

He's also a bit concerned about Bucky driving, but Sam gives him a quick nod, letting him know it's okay.

 

9:03am

They leave the hotel.

 

9:11am

Steve has to admit, Bucky is a good driver. He's attentive, he doesn't speed excessively, and he always signals.

He also thinks Bucky would excel in a high speed pursuit, but he doesn't mention that.

 

Since Sam let Bucky do some of the driving on the way there, because it was that or drive all night, or god forbid, let Thor drive, he knows that Bucky is a good driver. He also knows that he woke up in the small hours of the morning to find Bucky driving through a deserted area of Oklahoma going more than a hundred miles an hour.

His reaction to that was to close his eyes and go back to sleep. Probably not the most responsible reaction, but he had been driving for days in a van with Thor, and he had run out of fucks to give.

Of course, he does not tell Steve this, and will not, under any circumstances.

 

9:34am

Most of the morning is spent catching up the others who weren't on the trip the things that had been seen. Those who weren't on the trip regaled the others of epic Mario Kart battles. Thor is a particularly good storyteller, although embellishes his tales a bit too much.

 

10:19am

Thor nearly breaks a window while reenacting a particularly heated race between him and Bucky. Bruce bans elaborate hand gestures from being used in the van, and tells him to save it for a rest stop.

 

11:03am

Thor has moved on to the story of how he and James fought the most valiant battle of hiding and seeking the Tower had ever seen.

In the other van, Bucky is telling Steve how he hid in the vents for three hours before Thor got hungry enough to stop looking for him.

Natasha is glad Clint is in the other van, and doesn't hear that.

 

11:57am

Thor, who has always wanted to eat at Denny's since he saw their tumblr, has joined forces with Bucky, who also wants to eat there. Since Bucky is driving, there is no way to stop him.

Tony, who is a total enabler, follows.

 

12:01pm

Natasha describes Denny's for them as a sort of place that you only go to when it's the middle of the night and you're drunk and high and hungry enough to not care what you eat.

Naturally, this makes it sound like the perfect place for them.

 

12:02pm

Steve wonders whether he and Bucky would qualify for the 55+ menu. The point is moot, as they both eat a lot, but he's just curious.

 

12:03pm

The person who seats them is a mix between terror and awe. Tony predicts he'll be back for a picture before they leave.

 

12:07pm

After a few minutes with the menu, most of them are ready to order.

Thor orders a chocolate peanut butter milkshake and a hearty breakfast skillet. Natasha decides on root beer and builds her own sampler, complete with cheese quesadilla, chicken strips, and cheese sticks. Clint gets the cinnamon pancake breakfast with an iced cappuccino. Steve orders iced tea and a country fried steak. Sam gets a mango smoothie and the prime rib cobb salad. Bucky orders an oreo milkshake and the spaghetti and meatballs. Tony orders coke and a double cheeseburger with seasoned fries. Bruce takes a bit longer, but finally decides on herbal tea and the banana pecan pancake breakfast. Matt gets lemonade iced tea and the peanut butter cup pancake breakfast.

 

Their server looks frightened. Tony also throws an order of pancake puppies in, which are apparently like balls of deliciousness, according to him.

Steve's hopes aren't high that their orders will be correct the first time, but he tries to be optimistic.

 

12:10pm

Clint and Matt have managed to snag crayons, and are colouring the children's menu.

 

12:16pm

Thor declares the milkshake the best thing he has ever tasted.

 

12:32pm

Thor declares the breakfast skillet the best thing he has ever tasted.

Everyone senses a pattern.

 

12:29pm

Everyone is happy with their food, to varying degrees. Thor looks like he is about to propose to their server when she brings more pancake puppies. Matt has almost fallen into his plate. Clint is making orgasmic noises with each bite of pancake. The rest of them are dealing with their joy in more socially acceptable ways, like smiling and saying 'yum'.

 

1:07pm

With everyone suitably full, they set off again, in the same vans and positions as they were before.

 

1:11pm

Steve asks to borrow Natasha's tablet, so he can read Harry Potter to Bucky.

She passes it over and takes his as collateral until he returns hers.

He starts back at the beginning, and for the next few hours, everyone in his van is content to listen to how Harry Potter came to find out he was a wizard, and just what that meant.

 

1:16pm

The other van is not so quiet.

Clint and Thor are in the back seat discussing hair styles and makeup, which apparently they have a shared interest in. Thor is curious about why it seems to be limited to females.

“Ah, there's the question,” Tony chimes in from the front seat.

“Because gender roles,” Bruce adds.

Thor looks confused.

Clint has a feeling this is going to be a long drive.

 

2:09pm

Thor is trying to understand why exactly Midgardians have such strict gender roles while Clint braids his hair.

“We're still kind of primitive that way,” Clint tells him. “Your hair is great. What kind of conditioner do you use?”

 

2:47pm

“So can men give birth or not?” Thor asks.

Bruce sighs.

 

3:13pm

“So what you're saying is that society as a whole views gender as something fixed? As well as sex?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“And you think my world is strange,” Thor says incredulously.

“You told us that Loki gave birth to a horse with eight legs,” Tony points out. “That is definitely strange.”

Thor hums. “Eight legs is unusual, I will grant you that.”

Bruce groans.

 

3:52pm

“You know,” Clint says suddenly. “You'd look great with mascara. I could do your makeup sometime. You could impress Jane.”

“You think she would like it?” Thor asks.

“Oh yeah,” Clint assures him. “I mean, you're gorgeous and everything, but you'd look even better with some mascara, some eyeliner...”

“You have experience with that sort of thing?” Tony asks.

“Um, yeah. All those years in the circus paid off. Plus, I have to do Nat's makeup for undercover missions.”

“Learn something new every day,” Bruce notes.

 

4:49pm

They arrive at their dinner destination, Popeye's Louisiana chicken, which is another place Thor wanted to try.

 

Matt thinks that three giant meals a day may be needed for some people (Thor, Bucky, Steve) but the more human members of the team are going to gain far too much weight.

But it just smells so good.

 

Whatever. He's a vigilante. It's not like he won't get exercise.

 

5:57pm

Matt is regretting his life choices. Thor declares the meal most excellent.

Clint is also somewhat regretting his decision to eat so much, and hopes Natasha is willing to roll him back to the van.

Steve and Bucky don't know what the fuss is about, since they feel fine.

 

6:02pm

They set off on the final leg of their journey, which should take just under three hours.

Sam takes the wheel of their van, and Steve and Bucky climb into the back, with Matt and Natasha in the middle.

Bruce takes over driving in the other van, with Thor and Tony in the backseat, and Clint in the front seat with him.

 

6:05pm

Steve resumes reading.

 

6:07pm

“Hey, where's your hammer?” Tony asks in the other van.

Thor reaches behind him and pulls it out.

“She's right here.”

“And you think our gender roles are weird,” he mutters. “Your hammer is female.”

He pauses for a moment and considers it, being twirled around in Thor's hand.

“The van could move with the hammer in it,” he says slowly. “But that doesn't mean the van is worthy.”

“You need to let that go,” Clint tells him.

 

6:44pm

Tony is trying to figure out if Dum-E could lift the hammer or not. He thinks the only way he'd ever know would be to test it.

 

6:47pm

That being considered, he should probably have everyone try to lift the hammer, just to see if it could happen. Sort of a Cinderella shoe fitting, but with a magic hammer from space instead.

 

7:02pm

When Tony proposes the idea to Thor, Bruce shoots it down.

 

Tony spends the next half hour trying to nudge Mjolnir to move with his foot. Nothing happens.

 

7:51pm

Allspeak apparently applies to ASL, because Clint and Thor are having a fluent conversation. Tony is trying to keep up, and only understands about every fifth word. He's got the alphabet down though, if they'd care to spell everything out.

 

8:24pm

They arrive at Tony's Malibu house. Steve has never been so happy to see a place in his life. Natasha's tablet is returned and Steve's is given back to him.

The other van pulls in behind them and the rest of the crew piles out. Thor and Clint are signing to each other, and Tony is looking between them, trying to mask his confusion.

Just like home, basically.

 

8:51pm

After everyone is settled in, and late night pizzas have been ordered for snacking on, Clint asks how they're going to get back to New York.

“We could always... drive back?” Sam says hesitantly.

Matt starts crying.

“I don't think so,” Steve says.

“I'm flying back in my suit,” Tony tells them.

“I shall fly as well,” Thor announces.

“I could book us a flight,” Steve offers.

Bucky waves his metal arm.

“For some of us,” he amends.

“I don't like flying unless I'm the one doing the piloting. Or Nat,” Clint says.

“We kind of have to take the van back though,” Steve mutters.

“Ours is a rental,” Sam tells them. “We can leave it here.”

“Okay, so we have to get one van back to New York,” Tony states. “Two of us can fly, and seven of us can't.”

He lights up.

“No!” Steve and Sam say in unison.

“I have to go back to San Francisco,” Matt tells them.

“You know that's like, six hours from here, right?” Sam says to him.

Matt falters a bit. “Is it... on the way back to New York?” he asks hopefully.

Sam laughs. “It's really not.”

Matt sighs. “I suppose I could take a flight...”

“I'll drive you,” Steve tells him. “I have a feeling I'm going to end up driving back to New York anyway, so we can take a slight detour and get you home.”

Matt looks relieved. “Thanks.”

“I'll come too,” Bucky says.

Steve looks to Clint and Natasha. “What about you guys? Road trip part two?”

Clint shakes his head and Natasha holds up her phone. “Coulson is coming with a quinjet. We've got a mission to go to.”

Steve is skeptical it's a real mission, but he doesn't feel like saying that.

“What about you Bruce?”

“I think I'm going to stay here for a while,” he says. “Go to LA, see the sights, maybe tan a bit.”

Steve nods. “A real vacation, is what you're saying.”

Bruce grins and nods.

“Sam?” Steve asks, although he suspects he knows the answer.

“Oh, I think I'll tag along with you two. Can't let two senior citizens road trip on their own.”

Tony grins and pats Sam on the back. “I keep trying to get them life alert, and they won't let me. Glad at least you're looking out for them.”

 

9:14pm

The pizzas arrive, and the friendly teasing of Steve and Bucky about their age has come to an end.

Thor begins to consume an entire extra large meat lover's pizza on his own.

 

10:01pm

Tony declares that they will again be having movie night, but this time with a less shitty movie. Before Matt or Clint can even ask, he tells them of course he got captions and descriptive video.

 

10:13pm

With everyone settled with popcorn, Tony starts the movie.

 

10:14pm

Everyone groans as the opening scene begins. It's the 1997 Batman & Robin, and even thought neither Steve or Bucky have seen it before, they've heard of it. Mostly how awful it is.

“Not as shitty?” Tony says hopefully.

“It's a tough one,” Natasha growls.

 

11:59pm

Those who saw the Sherlock movie are torn as to which one is worse. They're split right down the middle, three of them thinking it was worse, three of them thinking it was better.

Tony decides they'll just have to watch the Sherlock movie again so Thor, Sam, and Bucky can be the tiebreakers.

“Save yourself,” Clint tells them in a loud whisper.

 

12:37am

That night, as they all lay in individual beds, they are all thinking something different before they fall asleep.

 

Matt is thinking about how much he's missed Foggy and Kirsten, even after being gone for just two weeks. He's also wondering if he can tell any of Natasha's lies apart from her truths, because she's just that good.

 

Tony is thinking he could rig up some sort of harness for the van so that he and Thor could tow it together. It would be faster and more efficient than driving the van back, but he suspects some people would have issue with it.

 

Bruce is thinking about maybe taking a longer vacation than he admitted to, perhaps renting a car of his own and touring the American southwest. Or he could also just stay in Malibu, taking advantage of Tony's large lab to get some research done. He likes that his possibilities are open.

 

Clint is thinking about the pseudo mission that Natasha has set up for them. Coulson will pick them up later the next day, and they will go to Budapest for recon. He _hates_ Budapest.

 

Thor is considering the wonders that Earth has to offer, and how he will likely never see all of them. He thinks that perhaps, for their next vacation, they will have to venture to Asgard or one of the other realms, so he can share such beauty as they have shown to him.

 

Sam is looking forward to the return journey, as it will be him, Steve, and Bucky in a van for who knows how many days. He suspects there may be some fistfights, and hopes the first aid kit he brought is enough to cover them.

 

Natasha is thinking that perhaps their next vacation will need to be to Disney world. She also hopes Clint isn't losing too much sleep over their upcoming Budapest mission, since it's actually a ruse between her and Coulson.

 

Bucky is counting sheep in an attempt to stave off the memories that tend to come when he closes his eyes. He's also hoping that he'll get to drive for some of the way home, preferably at night and in remote areas so he can speed, because he likes to push the boundaries of what he's allowed to do.

Also, he's pretty sure it will make Steve freak out, which is always fun.

 

(Two hours later, he awakens from a nightmare, and his first thought is that he thought of New York as 'home' for the first time since. That thought is enough to put him back to sleep.)

 

Steve is thinking that overall, the vacation went pretty well. No one was seriously hurt, no relationships were ruined, and they might have even had some fun.

 

Coulson, some thousand miles away, back in New York, is thinking that perhaps vacations don't always end badly.

He's still not looking forward to the return trip though.

**Author's Note:**

> Map can be found here, if you're interested in tracking the route. http://ijustreallylovedaredevil.tumblr.com/post/132780026275

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for "Hell in a Handbasket" by Whitchry9](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5166902) by [paleogymnast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleogymnast/pseuds/paleogymnast)
  * [Art for "Hell in a Handbasket" by Whitchry9](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5318654) by [flipflop_diva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva)




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